Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters,
I am a Muslim teenager from India, and I am going through a very tough time. I am currently in 9th grade, preparing for my board examinations, which will be held next year. At the same time, I am experiencing strong storms of emotions and genuine love, along with the fear of Allah. I don’t want to take any wrong decisions.
I am writing this post to release the pain in my heart.
I have a female cousin from my mother’s side. She is very good and supportive, like an elder sister to me. She makes me feel very comfortable, and I find her to be a safe space where I can discuss any topic. She is little bit older than me.
In the past few weeks, we have had long conversations on Instagram. During this time, we discussed many topics, including marriage, relationships, sexual urges, and other sensitive issues that are hard to talk about openly in Indian society.
Somehow, during these conversations, I unknowingly started developing feelings for her. I didn’t realize it at first, but eventually, I found myself deeply in love with her. By the time I noticed, it was too late—I had already fallen into the deep valleys of love, affection, and attachment with her.
Words cannot explain my love for her—it is unconditional and connected to the soul. I am unable to describe it properly, but I will try my best.
I think about her 24x7. No matter how much I try, I cannot focus on anything else. I can’t concentrate on my studies, I can’t play games, and I can’t even code anymore. My brain is not working properly, and my hands and feet feel cold all the time.
I have lost my appetite; I can’t eat or drink anything. Even my favorite food, which I once fought for as a child, doesn’t appeal to me anymore. My father is worried about why I am not eating.
I feel lost in my feelings for her. My heart feels abnormal, and my brain is constantly stressed. These feelings are so intense that I can’t bear them.
This is not about sexual urges, which can be controlled through fasting. These feelings are deeper—pure, unconditional, and spiritual. I wrote these poetry lines to express my emotions for her:
"I fell in love with her soul, not her body. I fell in love with her words, not her voice. I fell in love with her thoughts, not just her heart. I simply want to keep talking to her, whether it's day or night, whether it's a sunny day or a rainy one. I want to spend my time and my life with her, endlessly enjoying our conversations."
I have both good news and bad news, and strangely, they are the same thing.
In Islam, the only way to be with a non-mahram is through nikaah. She is my cousin but also a non-mahram due to some complications in our family tree. This means I can marry her in the future when I become independent enough to manage both of us—perhaps in 5-6 years, In Sha Allah.
But the bad news is that I can’t talk to her just to satisfy my feelings. If I talk to her, it must have a purpose, and I must behave like a younger cousin. This restriction, which I respect, is making me break down emotionally.
Talking to her gives me peace and satisfaction, but now I must refrain from such interactions to follow the Islamic rulings. This is not the kind of peace or satisfaction you might think—it is pure, deep spiritual love from my side.
I am continuously asking Allah for guidance, begging Him to provide me peace, and crying to Him to hold my hand in this situation. I am also praying to Allah to fix my nikaah with her and send her into my life as my life partner.
Right now, I feel like I am breaking apart. My heart is full of cracks, and only Allah and one close friend know about my situation. Even she doesn’t know about my feelings. My parents don’t know either, and I am forced to act as if nothing has happened.
But inside me, powerful storms are raging. If Allah doesn’t guide me and hold my hand, I fear I will drown in this storm.
Please remember me in your duas
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