i have spent days crying, praying and repenting for what I have done. I am doing my best to not let this occur again, this was something I spent all these years refraining from and... it happened.
Everyday I wake up wanting to die. I feel sorry for my parents and family for doing what I did. I feel disgusted with myself and I cannot live with myself anymore. The fact that I am no longer a virgin is eating me alive every single day. I cannot move forward & I keep thinking about what I have done. I feel as though I have no worth as a woman and all these years of my education and building myself as a person have gone down the drain. All these years of learning about Islam and my parents paying for my islamic lessons. I am worth nothing and I do not deserve to wish for anything.
Everyday I just want to kill myself. I keep crying at work and everywhere I go. I have lost interest in everything. I have betrayed Allah and myself. I want to seek knowledge of Islam and learn about the history. I want to be a better muslim. However, how can I be friends with other religious muslimas after the sins i have committed. I have no right. I read comments saying women that committed zina are just ran through or how i let another man just enjoy my body or to see me in that vulnerable state. It makes my stomach turn from the self disgust. I don't even disagree with these comments.
I feel like a fake interacting with my family and friends. They think I'm a good person, but I am not after committing this. If people knew who I truly was they would be disgusted with me. I have so much anxiety about the future. It does not matter if I cannot get married or if noone wants to marry me. I do not mind. I have no right to wish for a good man when I am not good myself. I have tainted myself. I have ruined myself. It gives me so much anxiety thinking how I will be continuing my life and I am not a virgin. I know I have to trust Allah with the future, however, the unknown is killing me. I cannot accept myself anymore.
I do not know how to move past this. Will I be living in this state forever?
I ask Allah to help me move on...
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