I hate myself and wish I could kill myself

If I was a non-Muslim then I would have seriously considered ending my life but alhamdulilah since I'm Muslim, I won't do it and I don't think it's worth ending my life over this, there's so much more to do in life.

My sexual desires are driving me insane. I'm literally over the edge right now. I might go crazy the longer this goes on. I'm being serious, if this keeps up I might become more miserable and go mentally insane later in life.

All of these negative thoughts, feelings and emotions are occupying my thoughts 24/7. I can't get over them no matter what I do. I'm 18 and starting my university soon and I really really need to focus on my studies and nothing else. But my sexual desires are making it difficult. I can't focus on anything else.

No matter what I do, Salah, Quran, Fasting, Dhikr, dua, Working out, reading books, staying busy etc, it doesn't go away. Nothing works, absolutely nothing has worked for me.

I hate my sexual urges. I hate being attracted to the opposite gender. I don't give a penny's d*mn that it's 'natural', 'it's how Allah made us'. These feelings of desire have caused me nothing but pain and suffering. I just wish I never had these desires, that I was asexual.

These desires aren't making me want to commit Zina or any other sin. Instead they are making me hate myself for having these desires. They are making me go crazy. I lower my gaze, I don't watch porn or masturbate Alhamdulilah.

My body wants to have sex so bad but my mind wants to suppress these desires.

I didn't ask Allah to give me these desires. I wish He could just take it away from me. I would have been fine with any other test, cuz this one is driving me insane.

I literally have no one to talk to. I absolutely have no one to go to, whether an Imam or a doctor or a therapist. I won't commit any sin inshAllah but these sexual urges will make me miserable and mentally troubled for life if they aren't eliminated. Castration is haram and drugs & medicines to eliminate libido has other dangerous side effects which are not worth it.

I'm over the edge right now. I feel like I don't want to vent out my frustration and anger or lash out at the world, rather I feel like I just want to cry and wait for death to come.

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