(Please nobody recommend arranged marriage or I genuinely will be tipped over the edge. I'm not part of a business transaction, nor will i allow myself too be)
I have been rejected all my life by men. Called fat and ugly by everyone. Had my heart stamped on, crushed on, used, abused. Been in love, loved so hard, only to be taken advantage of.
I am 25 now, female. Desperate to find love, all i want is a husband to take care of, and a beautiful child. I know it is just not meant to be for all my failed attempts, though I am praying all my life to allah and he just is not listening to my dreams. I am loosing my faith, my patience. The pressure of my culture and marriage has destroyed me, Allah not listening to me has destroyed me, I am 6 months in remission from a suicide attempt as I convinced myself I am so ugly, unlovable, and Allah did not write me a spouse, and I will neve be a mother. I cant walk past the park anymore, or children's clothes, becausse i'll never be a mother.
I am so angry, broken , destroyed. I have watched everyone i know find the loves of their life and i am just left on the subs bench. I have had to block all my friends because it is too painful knowing i wont have children. I have lost men I was in love with, for no good reason, because Allah did not allow me to be with them.
Today I genuinely prayed and prayed during Asr for allah to take me. Please Allah , take me. Give me terminal cancer, have me run over by a truck, have me shot, murdered, stabbed, just take me. Please. Because I cannot ensure this pain on earth any more. I cant live knowing I wont have children.
Please someone help me understand, as I truly believe I have given up now and fear this is my last salah i will have prayed. Years of prayers have amounted to nothing, and lead me to a suicide attempt, no spouse, and no children.
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