Asaalamu Alaykum,
Prior to practicing the deen I was in a relationship. Alhamdulillah after I broke it off I repented and got closer to the deen. I now wear a niqab and frequently attend lessons Alhamdulilah, but my past relationship is affecting me.
I broke things off with my ex suddenly (we never committed Zina or did haram, we went to school together and our relationship was for vibes, and yes I know that it was haram hence why i cut it off) - the way things ended wasn't because of a fight or because one of us lost feelings, I broke it off for Allah SWT sake. We agreed that if Allah wanted to reconnect our hearts in the future, then Allah SWT would connect us through halal means. We didn't exactly promise each other that we would wait for one another, it was more so of trusting in Allah's plan that whatever happens, happens. Fast forward about 3 years later, he messaged me asking for my hand (I deleted social media, so he had to get in contact with my sister(I have no brothers) to ask). After evaluating his character, his not a man of deen, he didn't pray istikhara on his decision nor does he practice the deen, hence I rejected him. It's crazy because prior to him messaging me, I always thought of our future together and made dua for him to come back, hoping that by us waiting maybe Allah SWT would reconnect our hearts in a halal way. Life went on as usual.
Now, I can't seem to forget about him. I know he isn’t what I want. I genuinely have trust in Allah and know that even if he was to come back and ask for my hand again, I would still reject him because I'm after a man on the deen. But still, I can't stop thinking about him. Part of me feels like his probably thinking about me too, even though I literally deleted every trace of myself on the internet so there's nothing out there that could possibly remind him of me.
I don't even know what the point of this post is, I guess I'm just tired of thinking about him 4 years later. I've come so far in my deen Alhamdulillah, but I feel like I'm being pushed back because I keep thinking about him and missing him. it's not like I want him. but I do? He doesn't align with what I want in a future spouse, but I know his capable of it. He doesn't do drugs, smoke, doesn't have a past, and comes from a good family. I don't even know why I miss him. I guess it's the fact that the way things ended was so abrupt without any ill-feelings, so part of me still wants him, but a better more Islamic version of him. I don't know.
Barak’Allah feekum for any advice:)
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