Please dont judge.
I want to start off by saying that i fall in love easily but also get bored after 2 days and regret everything, i also had problems before being religious, i did a lot of things for male validation because i always felt worthless and wanted attention so i dont feel lonely. And i also removed every boy in my life after i started being religious.
It all started with a guy in the mosque, we fell in love and he planned on asking my parents for permission. After a while he started asking for nudes and how much he needs them or otherwise it wont work between me and him. I send him nudes multiple times and always prayed and asked for forgiveness. After a while i realised that this shouldnt be the way it is so i ‚broke‘ up with him. He didnt contact me again. It all started there where i had no energy to pray and praying started feeling like a burden and not a gift.
After 2 days another boy texted me, i know him for like 5 years now and he always had a crush on me. He‘s muslim too. I didnt want to talk to any guys but i felt bad for him because he planned on waiting until i finish school so in 3 years. We made an agreement that i‘m gonna talk wit him for 6 months and if i dont want him after that hes gonna leave me alone because i dont want him to wait like some pet. I promised him and he promised hes gonna leave me alone if i say no to him and hes not gonna wait then anymore. But not even after one day my friend messaged me and told me that there are rumors he got a bj two times, i saw chats n stuff too (i know its really childish) he said its not true. I didnt believe him but whats in the past is in the past. I didnt want to judge. I have to say tho that i dont like him in a loving way.
After 1 day another boy texted me, i know him for 4 years and he also had a crush on me, hes muslim too obviously and he wanted to wait too until he has enough money. I didnt want to text with either with them i felt like such a wh‘re for talking to so many guys but it was so much pressure. I said that i dont want him to wait like some pet and he eventually found out about me texting with the other guy. My friend told him ( the same friend who told me about the bj stuff) He got mad and started a fight with the guy.
I broke the contact with both of them because i didnt want them to fight over me. Later my friend told me that the guy i know for 5 years is still gonna wait. I texted him and said that i dont want him to wait. He then send me a text msg where he basically says that im a bad person and that i do nothing except lie. I understand why he thinks that and i felt so bad.
The other guy reminded me that i promised him to text with him. We started texting again even though i didn’t want to. I feel so much pressure on me. I obviously feel bad for both of them and it didnt bring me closer to Allah. I was ashamed to pray because i knew that Allah knows what i‘ve done. So i didnt.
Not even 2 days later an old friend of mine texted me. I had a crush on him for 3 years now, i tried to commit su.vide because he texted with another girl ( we never were together or anything) but i felt so happy when he texted me and told me how religious he is. I always made dua for him and was never happier in my life. Hes the only guy i enjoy talking with but i cant talk to him. I know it‘ll destroy me.
I know that these sounds like a girl having boy problems and that its not even that serious but i feel so bad, i‘ve always had these kind of problems. I just want to be left alone the only thing i do is hurting people.
I didnt pray for 5 days since the fight those two boys had because of me. I‘m so ashamed. Is Allah punishing me? I dont want to text with any of them i just want to get close to Allah again. I dont want to break the promise and i feel like people now see me as a wh‘re and they have a right to think that. I feel so bad. Is there anybody with a similar situation? What should i do? Why is Allah punishing me? I feel no joy anymore.
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from Islam https://ift.tt/3VFIkjt
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