I think about Allah swt a lot, the prophet PBUH and in general just the religion. I'm a born Muslim, whos 20 now but throughout my life, I've had a really difficult time with Islam. I first learned by force and beating which made me hate the Quran time, I've been followed by jiins where I could feel their presence and learning which lead to me straying away from Islam and then I ended up as a drug addict and lived on the street for a couple of years and during all that time the thought of Allah never popped up. then 3 years ago.
I suddenly felt like I need to pray, like if I didn't pray I thought I was gonna die. I felt a strong need to be closer to Islam, and I began to learn and being asking Allah for knowledge. I realized really fast if I prayed Allah would literally help me in a way I could feel a hand being taken care of me. One day I was running late, i thought i almost missed the bus but it was late, and all day no matter how late I was whatever transport i was taking was late, and no it's not a coincidence and then I froze cause it was cold and the bus arrival time was 40minutes and then all of the sudden the bus popped up? and i got to sit in it and wait and that moment I realized what had happened all day.
I have a lot more stories btw of how i could feel Allah swt love. So the point is whenever i prayed i could feel the help. Also, i have mostly only been through bad things all my life, from abusive parents to being poor and living on the street, to being an addict, kidnapped, to being a thief (mostly food to eat) and a lot of things but i still feel very blessed for my life and i appreciate a hard time because I've learned a lot, and i have always felt protected. As a kid, i had a lot of sleep paralysis because of jiins. Also for the last 2 years, i've been deadly sick it starting to clear up now. But i wonder, and wonder why is my whole life a trial? I say alhamdulillah and move on and the next, but then again i don't really wonder.
A couple of months ago i dreamed of me building a house in an unknown place, I still have a picture in my head of the house and it's still not built. And dream perception says it can mean building a house in jannah.
Now as an adult, I'm still being tried i guess I'm trying to find someone who has gone through some of this and i can relate to. Because i feel really alone and i don't know anyone who feels the love from Allah swt so much, and I'm ashamed of everything bad I've done every day i try to be better, and do good deeds for the sake of my heart. If people cry I cry, when people are suffering I'M SUFFERING like it doesn't matter whether that suffering is true or on movies (i don't watch movies that much) and i don't listen to music it makes my head hurt, and i can't do anybody harm. But i still feel like a bad Muslim, i feel like I'm going to hell (Subhanallah)
So my question is, has anyone felt like this or has something similar and is it the shaytan whispering im a bad Muslim? And any advice to get Muslim friends, cause almost everyone i know is not a good Muslim or doesn't practice the religion truly or they think I'm not a good person without knowing me and never give me a chance, and i think the reason i'm writing this is that I've relapsed and I need serious help or advice to get better, AND TO NOT DO THIS EVER AGAIN!!!!!! i can't talk to an iman in my area. I hope you can help i wish risaq to everybody
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