Marriage is not guarantee.

I hope this is allowed.

It's just a desperate (?) tentative to see if i am the only one feeling like this or it's a general sentiment across different muslims with different backgrounds.

I searched for a husband for a good decade. Not six months, like a lot of redditors in panic mode here. Ten long years. Of course I did everything, literally everything I could possible do to facilitate the process.

But every single time, the feedback was harsh or scarse. From parents who culturally do not get involve but at the same time expect you find the perfect son-in-law, to few relatives who were not interested in helping or passing the word. From friends who were looking out for themselves only. To siblings who will fake a puke every time you ask for help as they are your brothers. The apps who destroyed my self esteem over the years, to the event where racism and colorisms are part of the selection process. Even the most "pious" initiative, the most sharia compliant ones were a failure.

Yes, I did connect with some potential, but at the end I was never asked or chose, they will decrease the talk and disappear. Some politely, some rudely.

Hitting and passing my 30s, with lots of money issue and family issue, my ability to sustain entire weekends dedicated to duas for a good marriage and events decreased a lot. And of course, people in my family started to say, when you least exepcted. But over the last couple of years nothing changed. No potential was that interested, no talks went over the first round of questions.

In 2021 I changed my phone, and I never transfer the app and for some reason the aunty /events groups never transferred to the new phone. My life went normally, my attention to the search to the bare minimum. To avoid sadness, I started to actively avoid the only two friends I had, as they are both married and with children and seem to not only talk about their home life and kids. I am super happy for them, but it's hard to not feel a little bit sad or even jealous.

It's now 2.5 years that I am not actively looking at all. When my parents asked few months ago, they were shocked and told me that I was being stupid.

Yes, it is stupid.

Husbands are not coming down from the sky, but I am tired. Tired to talk to men after all these years, tired of hearing stories about this and that, tired of the steps and tired of the entire process, from the mehr talks to the actual planning.

At the same time, I know that my life will be hard in some ways and that I will struggle with the loss of motherhood in a couple of years.

But I surrendered. I cling to the promise of a family in Jannah and I keep going to fix my health and my work and money. It's way more easy to dream of Jannah.

Of course, the few people in my life are not receptive of this, despite telling me that "there is something wrong on me" because no men really went over the first few talks. It's a mean thing to say. When I tell them that marriage is not guarantee, they tell me it's still my fault, either I have impossible standards or my weight or my face or my black skin.

It's very hard, to be in this position. I am dreading my big birthday coming up, closer and closer to 40. And the tons of people who will ask me to pray more, donate more, smile more, show up to events more.

I should be allow to close the chapter. I should be allow to move on from this.

I don't if it resonates with someone, but I hope so.

Did you manage to move on totally from it? Or you are still ask to join those events and apps, just to show that you are there, despite your heart not being able to be enthusiastic at the idea? Despite preferring to step back and live a different life and be consoled by the family you will have in Jannah?

submitted by /u/Lea_Ugly_Lea
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from Islam https://ift.tt/z9LkbxA