I'm a teenager (15F) living in a very abusive household.
My father abuses my mother and me mostly in many ways imaginable.. I have 4 siblings (13F) (9F) (7M) and (4F) who are also exposed to this quite a few times and maybe even on a daily basis. According to others.. I am a careless, callous person, since the way I behave is considered anti social to others, even though people say im extroverted/ambiverted. I've been abused since I was young and due to that lost most of my empathy. I rarely can cry unless I get hit or beaten up or my mother. I feel empty and full of void and even fought with most adults I know.
I hate adults since most of the ones I know are abusive or very controlling. People keep saying I'll go to hell and this and that.. however I feel nothing. The abuse me, my mother or siblings get isn't the usual slapping or hitting. It's way worse. It consists of hair pulling and dragging you down, punching, choking and even more, which im surprised didnt kill me, even once I had to get stitches due to an injury he gave me. My father, I hate him. I wish he could just die, to be honest, I know it's wrong but he made my mother suffer for over 15 years.. all because he wants to act high and mighty or some other stupid idea, and I don't even know why he is like this.
His mother used to i believe abuse him or his relatives had brainwashed him in some way. He is a literal engineer yet he can't see they are all using him?! His relatives ask for money all the time and he gives them as if there's a lottery going on which they keep winning, while he barely spends on us.. we barely even ask for much. He used to steal food aswell when I was young and even does. He has a lot of money.. yet he acts like a cheapskate.
I used to steal when I was young.. ranging from food to other people's toys. I once even stole a large amount of books from my class but ended up returning them in the end. Currently as I'm typing this.. he is scolding her and sometimes hitting her.. my body had shut itself down due to the abuse, so I barely feel anything anymore, so others describe me as cold, and barely anyone hears me out except for a few people I know. I fought with many adults physically even. The adults of the generations are even more abusive. I know it was worse a few centuries ago but it honestly makes me angry.
He believes he can hit us because he's a man. So in the process I kind of despised some men before, despite knowing not all of them are like this (for example my cousin is way better and kind, in a funny kind of way and the Prophets). I also ended up playing literal dating sims just to feel loved, no matter what type it was, I'm not even kidding. I also ended up pushing people away and losing my connection with Allah. Due to my numbness I don't feel anything even though I believe Allah is real. Allah gave me many things but the main thing which I wish he would grant would be to stop this cycle of abuse and live a more normal life. Some people even thought I was sociopathic and bipolar and I won't be surprised if I was.. I get angry when anyone tries to control me (I mean who wouldn't?), however I'm not sure how to deal with such a situation..
Once we also ran away to our uncles house, us all except.. him. A few weeks later after living there he forced himself into my uncle's house and forcefully tried to take my youngest sister. I fought back aswell as my uncle, and even my mother too. He then proceeded to bring his psychotic mother from our home country and then gaslight us into thinking we're the problem and we're missing out for not living with him. We went to our Quran school one day and he followed us, and then forced all my siblings except me to come.. since I obviously ran away (pretty expected of me to do, I honestly no longer feel any fear from him. I even stare at him dead in the eye to remind him that he isn't the only one willing to fight back, I know it sounds stupid and pathetic.. but it kind of works i guess..)
He has especially been abusing ME for the past couple of months. I had been very anxious about my health after acquiring gastritis due to horrible food habits, and went to the doctor 4 times within the span of 2 months.. and he then even started to beat me more.. and said that he lost any love for me as a daughter the past few months, he says to get out of his house.. and we'll I did run to my uncle's house a few times before aswell.. I'm sure they get annoyed at this point now. He also never let's my mother call her own parents so she has to call when he isn't around.. but he calls his relatives all day long yelling at them. He is immensely hypocritical. Nobody tried to do anything. In the end they victim blame us all.. and say to "keep quiet" and what not. I get they can't do much but it's better they keep their mouth shut if they can't give any actual good or helpful advice.. no matter how useful it is. By them I mean my relatives of course, or more specifically HIS relatives. His relative once came, which was his cousin If I recall correctly. She was understanding however she I don't think she grasped how bad the situation was and is. I once almost saw him choke my mother.. and he even did that to me. I always get victim blamed.. or its my mother. We two are the scape goats of the family. It's quite sad.. really.
I believe such people put Islam in a bad name. He barely reads quran.. not to mention the reason this whole fight started was that we didn't go to our Quran school today.. since it was raining quite a bit and our teacher told us not to come if it rained. He proceeded to get angry why we didn't ask for his permission. (He expects us to ask for his permission all the time.) I don't since after whenever he beats me I go on for weeks or months without even talking to him, I lost all love for him as a father, and I always feel annoyed talking to him even if it's his "good mood". When he is angry (which is mostly what he is) he finds excuses to beat us.. such as if someone accidently dropped something, and broke it even if its my youngest sister who is 4.., he would beat the hell out of the person, like a dog. I believed that he was a dog reincarnated into a human (not really, but it seems like it, based on his behaviours, which are way worse than an actual dog)
Back to the main topic, we have 2 rooms which are kind of connected. We are in the room which has no door and not much privacy, however they are in the room which is an actual bedroom and has privacy, yet he purposefully comes to make me angry perhaps? He also tries to make everyone against me. A literal teenager who is decades younger.. i don't know why an actual sane Muslim would do that.. no.. hell even an actual sane person would do that. He then forces my mother to apologise to him and massage his legs, speaking in a condescending manner. She weeps silently and sometimes speaks up.. but her words are taken lightly. When I do grow up.. I'd honestly get a bit of revenge myself. I can't believe an actual person would do this to another person. I became abusive as a result too to my own siblings but I try to control it now.
I have horrible urges all because of it.. he keeps grabbing my mother's neck as I'm typing this.. I do not know what to do. Its been over 15+ years.. I don't know but he may actually kill any of us. He did threaten me quite a while ago.. I apologise for the lengthy paragraph.. this is all based on what I saw and heard... I want to know what to do.. in an "Islamic way" but I don't think reasoning will help AT ALL. We have tried everything.. so its futile at this point. I wish to know what I could do.. that's within my hands to try and minimise these incidents..
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