I wanted to get this off my chest. For context, I am 22M born and raised in Canada. In my final year of high school, I left Islam. But over the past few years, Allah guided me and I was able to return to Him, and I cannot express how grateful I am that I was able to make tawbah.
But I’m struggling. My faith is on shaky ground. Not really because of intellectual doubts (alhamdulillah), but because every time I pray, recite Quran, or visit the Masjid, I cannot help but remember all the emotional pain I went through growing up because of these things. And the lack of emotional safety I feel in this religion is making me really susceptible to doubts and whispers from Shaytan. It was the main reason I left.
By my mother mostly (though I've forgiven her), I was beaten, shamed, and told I would go to Hell if I didn’t pray as a child. I would often hear things like “Don’t make Allah angry!”, and in my child mind, I believed Allah to be a vengeful god with a short temper (much like my mother’s). At the age of 7, I was put in an Islamic night school, and it was by far the worst experience of my childhood. Yes, I learned how to read Quran there, but our teachers were physically and emotionally abusive. We were slapped, beaten, and humiliated if we made any mistakes while reciting. If we (children under the age of 10) felt like talking to the kid sitting next to us (read: innocent child behaviour), we would also be slapped.
Unsurprisingly, most of the kids who went to that madrassa, grew up to leave Islam. And unfortunately, many of the ones who remained Muslim ended up becoming just like those teachers — arrogant, physically and emotionally abusive, passing on the beatings and shaming they received onto the next generation of kids, continuing the cycle of trauma.
Because of those childhood experiences, I developed social anxiety and depression, and lived with an intense fear of authority for much of my life. Alhamdulillah, after going to therapy for the past 3 years, my mental health is much better. I am happier, and I can now say I am not depressed or anxious anymore, but one thing still bothers me: I cannot enter a Masjid without instantly feeling tense and closing up emotionally (my face becomes expressionless, which I learned is a trauma response to numb your emotions). A similar response occurs when I sit down to read Quran aloud. The emotion of those childhood wounds return. The worst thing is that I feel afraid to connect to Muslims now. Every time I see a man with a long beard and a thawb, or hear a condescending tone in the voice of another Muslim, I am reminded of those abusive madrassa teachers. I still feel resentment towards them…
Because of this, I haven’t made any close Muslim friends, and I am too afraid to share these feelings with the Muslim friends that I do have (I fear they’ll invalidate my experience). I really want to make friends with other Muslim brothers, who are sensitive and emotionally intelligent (I hope I’m wrong, but I find these qualities are increasingly rare in our community). I’m making dua for it, because I really want to feel connected to the Muslim community. Without that connection to other Muslims, I know my faith is very vulnerable. But I am committed to not losing my faith again. When you worship Allah alone and follow His commandments in accordance with your fitrah, the inner peace you feel is something you cannot find through any other means (I've tried).
I guess what I want is support. I want to know that my childhood experiences were not representative of Islam. I want to know that there are Muslims out there who were not treated like this growing up. I want to know if I can still be accepted into this community. I feel incredibly lonely. Please help.
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