I've been keeping this in my heart for two years and just had the urge to speak to someone.

Salam,

I've been keeping this in my heart for two years and just had the urge to speak to someone. I'm a 21 year old female who has done something wrong about two years ago, and am trying to leave it behind.

I'll just briefly explain my story. I met a few non muslim American friends online and long story short we became close. One in particular (a girl, age 19) had taken a liking to me. She's very sweet, funny, respectful. I even tell her about Islam sometimes and she gets intrigued as she comes from a Christian family (she has religious trauma so she has a negative outlook on religion in general) but she always listened when I spoke about Islam. I pitied her at first because of her background (neglectful parents, abuse, etc.) so I wanted to be there for her. I ended up helping her a lot. Giving her advice based off my experiences and such, and I was there for her when no one else was.

She eventually about two years ago told me she liked me (romantically). The problem is, at the time, she was in a really sensitive state, and so it was hard for me to outright say no when I didn't know what she could do to herself. I said you should focus on yourself first, and take care of yourself, but she eventually took it as an exception. (Indirect communication on my part).

I don't know how to leave. How heartless am I? To have this girl's trust and her opening up to me after all this time. I love her as a friend, she's really a good person, but I don’t love her enough to want to keep this up and disobey and stray from Allah. I don't want to do this anymore.

The problem is the day she confessed to me, I prayed to Allah that if there was something bad that would come out of this to please distance her from me. That was two years ago, and she’s still here. I'm in constant guilt because I'm in this strange relationship with a girl I haven't met in person. I feel ashamed. I don't even like women. I want to get married to a good, honest Muslim man in the future. And now I feel like I'm tainted and dirty. How can I expect a good honest man when I am the way I am? I'm too much of a coward to block her without saying anything. And I can't outright tell her I don't want to speak to her anymore because I just feel so guilty for leading her on this whole time.

I kept subconsciously hoping throughout these past two years that something major enough would happen in my life that can warrant me leaving. Today, I got a call that my parents might divorce, and although I'm completely crushed as my family will be torn apart, I can't help but feel like this is my opportunity to take this as an excuse to leave. I don't know if I should do it, to just make this horrible situation as an excuse and completely disable my account and disappear.

It's so exhausting to want to go back to Allah and leave this behind, but be unable to because I don't want to hurt this girl and be responsible for if she hurts herself. No one I know even knows about this. Not even my closest friends and family members. I’m glad I kept it hidden, but it has become a burden.

I don’t know what’s the right way to execute this. I know I’m wrong, and my mistake was foolish and naïve. I just want things to be right. I want to be close to Allah again and not carry this person on my shoulder. I don’t want to lie and hide anymore.

Thank you for reading. I’m sorry if this disturbs anyone. I pray Allah never puts you in a situation such as this. JAK.

submitted by /u/crimsonrain8000
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