Salam everyone. I am an 18- year old Muslim who has been going through a severe religious crisis. Despite practicing islam my entire life, around a month ago I started feelingly intensely distant and apprehensive regarding my religion. I have no idea what started it, something just snapped inside me one day. I started becoming hyper aware of things like hell and punishment from Allah for kāfirun (disbelievers). It made me unable to think of Allah as anything else than an evil spiteful god waiting to give out punishments to his creations for believing the wrong thing, no matter how good they are. I sought knowledge on the actual meaning of kafir in context as not just a non Muslim, but someone who rejects truth after knowing it to be true and preferring their own desires. This gave me temporary ease but somehow my thoughts and what I read in Quran, Hadith, and from scholars disprove me and I fall back into the cycle.
In addition I become terrorized at the thought that I might actually have a kufr trait within me that only Allah knows and that this will register me as a Kafir at the time of day of judgement. These negative thoughts further lead me to believe that Islam isn’t even real and that it’s all lies, because there’s no way God would be so cruel. This cycle of pain and doubts and anxiety has repeated itself daily since last month and the most heartbreaking part is I feel my faith slipping away. Reading qu’ran and other Islamic knowledge makes me uncomfortable when it used to fascinate and inspire me, prayer doesn’t feel the same anymore (not even tahajjud). I can’t bring myself to do my schoolwork, enjoy things I used to enjoy, or sometimes even eat because I’ve been convinced that this life is meaningless and that everything is futile because we are marching toward the day when an evil God will torture people for eternity.
I want to believe in Islam like I have my whole life. I want to believe in Allah. I never found atheists beliefs logical to me such as everything in the world being born out of randomness or that we are here for nothing. I believe AT LEAST there is a God who created us. But I don’t want to believe that he is so cruel. Or that he is taking away my faith intentionally so he can torture me. I’m truly desperate at this point and am desperately hoping and praying for guidance in any form.
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from Islam https://ift.tt/9ZIT81S
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