Backstory- pretty much I’ve stopped reading Quran regularly ~5 years ago. Occasionally I would read a few pages here and there and recite surah Kahf some Fridays.
Since ramadan I’ve fallen in love with reciting the Quran and memorizing. I stopped listening to music. I listen to lectures about the history of Islam and have a new level of love/respect for the Prophet (pbuh) and the sahaaba. I get goosebumps and my heart melts from some stories I’ve heard.
I stopped watching porn and masturbating since ramadan up until…. Last week. I was on a ~7 week cleanse from that filth and haram. Those 7 weeks felt great, I was in a better head space and more confident.
Then subhanallah I fell for the tricks of shaytaan and broke my streak. Since I broke my 7 week streak I’ve committed this haram sin 2 more times. It feels like I’m going back to myself before ramadan. At times while watching I would get sick to my stomach and feel guilty that Allah is watching (I used to get these thoughts well after the sin but this time it was on my mind while I was watching). I had thoughts like “what if I die in this position?” I was battling with my mind. I fell short and thought I should just wrap it up, finish this sin and to repent.
Am I addicted? Not sure. Probably. At my worst probably 2-3 times a week. When I’m busy with life I go a couple weeks at a time not doing that stuff. At this point I just want to sell my phone and use an old flip phone.
It bothers me so much since this is the only sin I knowingly commit. I’m a simple guy who lives a boring life and this is the biggest thing effecting my imaan.
I try to fast to help control my desires. I can’t get married right now for reasons I don’t want to discuss online.
I plan on paying zakat, doing a good deed everytime I do this sin. I also plan on making myself busy and spend as much time as I can around others.
Any tips or words of advice are greatly appreciated .
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