This is definitely gonna be a long post, so I appreciate your patience. I was very religious growing up. My main focus was to find out religious hypocrisy in my muslim majority society, something that honestly strengthened my Iman. I was praised for my conduct, and I was well supported because of my dedication to the religion. I have a loving family, was pretty much treated as the golden child by everyone around me. I am going to one of the best institutes on earth for my major, and I had pretty much everything I would need.
Well, last year I stumbled upon a few books and encountered a few issues that pretty much shattered my belief about Islam, and without a proper answer, I left. Unlike many exmuslims, I was living in the so I would not face any issues. I have been treated very well by Islam anyway, but here I was, an intelligent young man free from the shackles of the religion, ready to take the world by storm, right? Live a fulfilling, enlightened life, right?
Truly, there's nothing stronger in the world than a teenager's delusion. The only thing I saw was a world of people working endlessly to death, to be successful, have properties and then what? I tried pursuing happiness, and all I felt was every little thing bothering me. Enlightened, free of the cult? All it lead me to are cynicism and nihilism. I was a kid, way over my head, chasing things I was supposed to, with nothing unconditional to fall back on. What I wanted from life is a sense of conviction, something I can fall back to during my weakest moments.
Next, I drowned myself into degeneracy - hey, what every young guys dreams of right? Absolute garbage - I just felt more and disgusting. I earned a lot money in the stock, and spent 'em cluelessly - consumerism doesn't last more than a day or two. I even tried commiting suicide, but I chickened out at the last moment.
I want to be back, and I even prayed last night. But the doubts about the religion just comes back stronger. "Hey, is this stockholm syndrome with the cult? All I am doing is deluding myself. I won't be able to do this and that. I'll never have that save conviction. All I am doing is following a medieval Arab's delusion" and a billion things goes on in my head.
Allah is boundless mercy, enough to forgive me, but am I strong enough to move forward? How do I deal with crushing expectations of absolute perfection? I need Allah far more than he will ever need me. The sheer arrogance I had, I wish I could go back in time and wipe off that line of enquiry. I just want to believe in him without hesitations. I would appreciate anyone helping me on my way.
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