I’m a 20yr old Muslima who has worn hijab all my life. I live in a non Muslim country and almost my entire life I’ve been the only hijabi in my grade. I’ve never felt connected to the other kids when I was young, I always felt like an outsider. Even now I feel like an outsider in college. I don’t think I feel fully connected to anyone, not even my own sister.
Hijab makes me feel so restricted because I can’t do anything with it and I feel like I didn’t have a real childhood. My parents did not let me spend time with my classmates outside of school bc they’re all non Muslim. But I had no Muslim friends to play with so I just felt lonely my whole life. Even now in college, my roommates are going out clubbing and drinking and it’s not that I want to drink, it’s that in college that’s all people do and since I can’t do it with them I feel excluded and lonely.
This will sound ridiculous but it feels like people can only connect over things that are bad in Islam, like partying, music, movies, even sports (I wasn’t allowed to play sports bc I couldn’t wear pants or run around in front of boys). I couldn’t do any of that in my childhood bc of my parents and now I feel like I don’t have an identity or personality. I have no hobbies or interests. I have no friends. And I can’t bring myself to do any of it because of the guilt and fear.
Everyone in my life thinks of me as the perfect little Muslim and I can’t even bear to think what would happen if I expressed my frustrations to my family. They would judge me so much and think I hate Islam. (I DONT). I want to go to concerts. I want to get a nose ring. I want to wear pants. I want to be able to swear in front of my siblings. But I can’t. And I’ve witnessed what it’s like for hijabis who do these things. If it were a non hijabi no one would care. But hijabi girls are scrutinized and judged like crazy. I just feel like I’m so limited and no one knows what I’m really like, not even myself. Please help me.
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