Asslam Aliukum..
To keep it short, I’m suffering insanely due to what I’ve done for the last 5 years. I can’t really list what I’ve done or how far I went, but all I know is that I’m dying from the shame, guilt, sense of loss, failure, and hopelessness. I feel due to what I’ve done, I don’t even have a right to ask for forgiveness from him. I faulted myself a lot..I’ve been in depression for a long time due to bipolar and several extreme life events in my early twenties. I’ve done a lot, I felt happiness and felt pain. The whole spectrum. While doing that, I forgot Allah all the way, I felt free and liberated that I forgot I had a purpose in life that only starts and ends with him. I was deprived from a normal life growing up. I suffered a lot in my childhood and adolescence. When God gave me the chance to explore life for the first time and with the help of bipolar, I got observed and just loved everything in this “Dunya”. I’m here now, after seeing it all. I feel devastated, helpless, and broken. Only 5 years to turn my life upside down. I can’t describe how being blinded is really a thing, and that if you just can’t see you can’t see. I was a child with very immature mind that followed life and its beauty. I simply saw it as a right supporting my existential perspective in this world. I thought I didn’t need Allah, that I’m allowed to choose, I want to be free, fully...until when I realized how Allah was with me saving me all the way..
I could write a book really. My relationship with Allah is more like a traumatic one. I’ve been abused for ages till my soul died. I feel a lot of aspects played into this development and I’m acknowledging it. My concern now is that, what options do I have? I beat myself for what I did and feel that I deserve nothing and that God is not proud of me or very angry with me. I fear him so much but I trust his mercy but I hate me taking it for granted. I hate that I tried to gamble with him ignorantly how can I do that? I was so childish and ignorant. I’ve been reflecting a lot the past year and the fact that I transformed into this version now is the most shocking thing that ever happened to me. I’m turning to him, again..I can’t comprehend what happened the past 5 years, it’s traumatizing. I want to start again, but how can I delete what happened? .....
I feel that I’m too ruined. Sins ruined me, depression and suicidal ideation ruined me. There’s a looot to this, but I just want to say I want to start over, sincerely and honestly.
The pain is eating me, I feel the road to God is not attainable by me. Why did I have to do all pf that for me to actually come back to him? I’m not accepting that I did what I did. Psychologically, there’s a lot to it. But I feel that my Iman now is better than ever, I’m seeing things differently and I’m gaining clarity, except for the weight for the sins I’m carrying..
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from Islam https://www.reddit.com/r/islam/comments/rhtjl5/ذنوبي_أثقلتني_my_severe_major_sins_weighed_me/
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