I have sugar dated

Assalamu Alaikum sister, brother,

I’m coming here for advice because lately I am very lost, regretful and in despair of what I have done.

This began last year when I was in a dark place struggling with everything in my life, money, self esteem, addiction, mental health. My parents have been struggling with money for a lifetime so I never ask them for anything, growing up I never had anything for myself which was hard living in a western society where I was constantly reminded of it by the people who had everything. Last year I applied for college in another city far from home, so I had to move to an apartment. The first couple of months were going well, I had a job and was living poorly but it was ok. But then the bills were coming in and I was struggling to make ends meet, I was always behind on my rent so I began to look for ways to earn money fast. Then I discovered sugar dating. I thought to myself, this is perfect because I will have someone who looks after me so I won’t have to worry about money and focus on my degree. I was born a Muslim, but at that time I wasn’t religious and never thought of the consequences, I had very little knowledge of Islam. I joined a site for arrangements and I became addicted to the compliments and attention I got from strangers. A lot of men asked to meet and offered a lot of money. I was looking for a platonic relationship first, but none of the men were interested in that. So then I agreed to get physical but I always cancelled last minute before meeting because it didn’t feel right.

Until one day I was really desperate and met up with a very succesfull man. He was married but he told me his wife knew and didn’t care. That still doesn’t make it right but I was focused on getting money and I told myself that one time would be enough to pay off my debt. But then I started thinking of all the things I never had growing up and wanted to live like my friends who had it comfortable with nice clothes, nice products, going out to eat. So it became a weekly thing, we would meet and he would give me money, and I would buy unnecessary things with it. I have done really nasty things to get it. I became addicted to the lifestyle of getting what I want and I thought I was happy. So in a way I could afford the things that I wanted, but I would still be broke and dependent on him. He treated me very well, which made it even harder to stop. I had this cloud of guilt after every time we hooked up, sometimes I cried because I was feeling more lonely and depressed than ever before.

Growing up I was never taught about Islam, only told what not to do otherwise I would get punished, I was never taught about the love of Allah. That pulled me back from Islam because I didn’t understand the essence and why. One day I had this feeling to look for answers and I started to gain more knowledge every day, I spent nights listening to the Quran and I began to pray again. I understood that what I had done was horrible and I feel very ashamed and I fear that Allah will never forgive me. I cried and repented everyday since but I think I have ruined my chance to enter Jannah or to even get married one day. I dreamt of having a family of my own, but I don’t think even the most kind hearted, forgiving man would want me. I am torturing myself with this guilt and I don’t even know if I should or should not keep this a secret. Ya Allah, how do I seek forgiveness, I feel like repentance alone is not enough.

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