Does anyone have advice on how to deal with regrets about how I lived my life which create doubts occasionally? As I am now in my mid 20's, I deal with these doubts more often. I grew up being taught Islam is the truth and to avoid haram, and that Allah will provide you things better than what haram would have. I took Islam is the truth and did not view it as a means to help get by in life, but not actually believing it. If I did view it as a means to just get by and help me with coping, I wouldn't have avoided haram and lived a different lifestyle than the dominant one in America. I had no regrets up to about age 12 where haram start to present itself, and I had to begin doing things like cutting female friends out and avoiding many social events, friendships in general to avoid being dragged into haram. I did that as I had a Muslim friend group regardless to fall back on and I believed what I was told that Allah will provide you a better halal relationship in the future. Those decisions changed my whole life, and it became a continual struggle ever since then.
Now in my mid 20's, I just do not see the pay off for avoiding haram and sacrificing my golden years. I am an attractive person and was with the top 5% popular in school. I could have been very popular, had lots of relationships, had lots of fun and thrilling experiences in life, massive network, respect, etc.... I would have enjoyed life like everyone else and had no regrets and able to achieve what I wanted. All I see are people enjoying life to the maximum, religious or not. No one is really sacrificing fun and enjoyment. So, it does not help my doubts when I see everyone around me enjoying life to maximum, whether that be thru social events, relationships, concerts, vacations with friends, drinking, etc.... And things are going really well for them in life. They had fun experiences, fulfilling friendships and relationships, it's much easier for them to network and get into good jobs, they have easy time with marriage(in Muslim's case), and so forth. It seems their lifestyle is paying off for them.
Meanwhile here I am with an empty life, sacrificed my golden years way, and it's not like I am asking for anything major. I am just asking for even the most basic tawfeeq and rizq in my life. All I ask for at this point is such tawfeeq in my career and marriage and I'll be content. I want and feel I deserve an attractive(to me) and righteous wife. To have this done during the year 2022. However, I do not feel confident in the Muslim female pool out there. There are few attractive religious ones, and those have high standards when it comes to finances and social status. I cannot get into such high financial shape in 2022, and I sacrificed social status to avoid haram. I just don't see good odds when I begin my search, without changing my ways, acting more 'cool', getting back on social media and potentially doing haram things. It is not something I want to do at all. I hope and ask Allah can provide.
But I am reaching my endpoint, I sacrificed so much in my life, I didn't get to enjoy anything. I went through a major emotional, mental long term struggle just to avoid major sins and I feel by now there needs to be some kind of pay off in the form of tafweeq by Allah in my worldly affairs. I am not going to wait till late 20's and possible early 30's to get in better financial shape because a Muslim girl has high standards for marriage. It does not help that I passed on so many haram relationships, where I could have been in a relationship where I got affection and support from opposite gender. And it doesn't help when everyone else is pursuing numerous relationships and enjoying them. Meanwhile I haven't been in one. It's not like I despise girls, I do not, it's the opposite, I would have loved to been with those girls. I also would have loved to wear necklaces/jewerly and drink wine. It's only because its haram I didn't. And because of the promises the community made to us that Allah will provide better and that those that enjoy this life will be miserable.
I just do not see that. I do not see what better I'm being provided. In the end of all this effort to avoid haram, I find out that those girls prioritize finances and social status(being cool which often need to involve haram to achieve this status in first place) over everything else. And these girls do not care one bit about my lack of past and the effort I put to avoid pre-marital relationships, alcohol/drug consumption. At this point I am not sure what more Allah expects from me or if he thinks I can handle more or what. This is starting to feel irrational to me. If I do not see a pay off by the coming year(2022). I am seriously wondering where is Allah's tawfeeq and rizq. I seem to see it only going on the people enjoying life and not worrying about haram/halal. I could have been this person which frustates me and causes me regrets and doubts more. I am not waiting until I die to see any pay off or waiting till late 20's to have a relationship, which is extremely irrational especially considering previous Muslims got multiple partners and at earlier ages. And considering my generation of Muslims don't even care and seek haram relationships. I feel the like the only attractive one doing what I am doing. And I am reaching my end point, that if it I can't get one good thing to go my way in this life, than I do not know what more Allah expects for him to send some tawfeeq my way. I am gonna give up and start wearing jewerly/necklaces, and will be open to haram relationships, and maybe even moderate drinking of wine.
I can not bear this stress anymore and repressing myself from any and every pleasure/desire this. I beared it long enough from age 12 to mid 20's now, under the belief and hope it would pay off eventually. I still pray and hope it does pay off in 2022, and I get engaged to someone that pleases me, and I continue my path as I'm doing much better mentally and so forth. If it doesn't though, than that year is my cut off, and the doubts will win over me, and I'm no longer going to self harm(emotionally and mentally) by preventing myself from enjoying life, and something ridiclious like no relationship till late 20's while everyone else enjoys from young age. I am just astonished why there has been no pay off or at least some kind of misery for people who enjoyed this life to the fullest. It seems the only way to have things go your way is to enjoy, go out there and get it, via whatever means. It does not feel like there is a God that is helping those who are patient and avoiding haram. I would appreciate any advice on how to combat these feelings of doubts/regrets. Please don't tell to wait until I'm dead. I have such a minimal life that by now I deserve some W's. I don't think anyone else has had a life like me.
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