Why can't I seem to get control over myself and turn back to Allah? I feel like the simplest thing like praying 5 times a day is like I'm climbing a mountain. I try and try but fail each and every time. What is wrong with me? What has happened? I've never been this astray from my deen like I've been this last couple of years. It's like it's getting worse and worse... I used to be active in dawah, pray all my prayers including tajjahud and Sunnah, I used to do so much because I loved this religion and the sweetness of imaan was unbeatable.
I studied my religion... but this knowledge is eating me up from inside out, I've lost hope in Allah, I feel dirty, guilty and just like I'll never even get close to being a good muslim. I know all about Allahs forgiveness but I feel like I don't deserve it. Like I'm one of those who only turn to him in the times of need but forget Him when things are alright. Some period I'll try really hard and manage to pray, even qiyam Al-layl... I'll cry and make tawbah just to return to sins like a fool. I feel like I don't deserve good both in dunya and Akira. Like hell would be a better place for me. But I don't wanna die just yet. I wanna feel the sweetness of imaan just one last time again, go to the mosque, call to Allahs Deen on last time again. I would be the happiest if I managed to pray my 5 daily prayers. But how can I wish for something like that when I can't even push myself out of this darkness. I don't wanna die just yet, but my heart is dead. How can I sit with people who are so much better then me in deen? Someone like me have no place with the pious.
It's my own fault. I know that. I've destroyed myself with sins.. I do them but cry afterwards due to the guilt... And I keep asking God what is wrong with me? it's an awful cycle I can't seem to get out of. I'm miserable, so miserable. I don't wanna die yet. Just any sign, anything... I don't even know if God can hear me, if I deserve it, If he really is there.. but anything just to feel the sweetness of imaan again. I can't live like this any longer.
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