Update! "My righteous husband cannot forget her"

Assalamualeikum everyone!

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If you haven't come across me previous post that was posted yesterday (Friday) then please read it first and then read the update further below. I have posted them both here.

Again, I apologize the length of the post but I want to ensure all details are there and that I'm not taking any wrong step ruining my marriage.

Here we go!

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Assalamualeikum everyone!

I hope you're all doing well, insha'Allah.

Currently, my heart is shattered in pieces. Actually it's been shattered several times, but with time it has been healed but unfortunately continuously broken again and again.I'm warning you - it is long, however I'm this close to ending this marriage and I want all the details in front so you can tell me whether I'm right or wrong. I don't want to end a marriage if there are no red flags (although I believe there are).

So here we go! (bear in mind, I've been weeping and crying while writing this post).

Background story:

• Husband and I have been married for almost 7 years (arranged marriage but we were both happy with the match)
• We have two children (4 yo, 2 yo) and I'm currently 6 months pregnant.
• I have been brought up with Islam whereas husband had not been brought up with Islam in his childhood/adulthood. Many things that are considered sinful or haraam is not taken seriously in his family, unfortunately.
• Husband was far away from deen until his early 20s (alcohol, zina, partying, etc.) until he became friends with other men who came close to Allah (swt) so he started learning about Islam, praying, reading Quran, etc.
• Husband is righteous (in some matters, apparently) and prays 5 times a day (he gets stressed if the prayer has been called and he hasn't prayed on time), participates in every jummah prayer, fasts, etc.
• He has always been the social guy. Like, he talks openly with everyone; male or female - muslim or non-muslim. However, he's not social with my sister or my sister-in-law (brother's wife) which is totally fine with me, but now I do wonder how he can be so frank and open with others not-related and not with my family members.
• Husband and I had a great relationship and we've been best friends.
• Husband and I work full time jobs but we both make sure that we give each other time, joke with each other and do something together. We travel a lot too.
• Although I've also got a full time job I am responsible for the cleaning, cooking, kids, etc. while I try to maintain myself as well. All this without nagging.
• He's a great father and was a great husband.

Let's go back to the time before my husband and I got married:

• Before we got married, my husband had a female classmate from university (same nationality as us) who he was very friendly and open with. And she was too. They would go on internship together and he would invite her home (note: his family doesn't regard this as something wrong as his brothers' had brought girlfriends home too).
• Let's call this former classmate for "X".
• X's mother and my mother-in-law know each other. Not best friends but they know each other.
• X comes from a very non-Islamic household. She has had non-Muslim boyfriends who've been living with her (she has her own apartment) and there is nothing Islamic about her or her family.
• My husband and X had been very frank and open with each other (although he was becoming serious with Islam and knew that this type of "friendship" was wrong).
• My husband liked her and wanted to marry her if she wanted to repent and become a better Muslim. He tried figuring out whether she was interested by throwing out questions like if she wants to get settled, married with a Muslim/same nationality man to which she refused and said that she preferred white men and she had no interest in other men as she was currently in a relationship with another man. Husband asked other women too (in a more hidden way). These women were women he had met during his jahiliyah time (in clubs, etc) but he was very appealed by their looks so he had hoped they could become his wife if they started wearing hijab and become more "family-orientated" (facepalm and double cringe, I know.)
• Husband and I got married.
• I met X once during their graduation.
• Husband and X continued writing to each other and sending Snapchats of everything every day. I didn't know to begin with, but gradually I noticed he would spend so much of his time on his phone while I was with him. I asked him a couple weeks after our marriage and he said he was chatting with X. I was surprised. I told him in a nicely manner that we are married and that I don't like that he is being so free with a non-mahram woman. Moreover, I told him that I don't like her as she has a negative influence on our relationship but also on his emaan as a Muslim.
• Husband agreed and stopped writing with her.
• Husband started stalking (continuously looking up) women he had dated during his jahuliyah time or those he met in the clubs and would look at their photos several times everyday. I confronted him about it. His mother thought I was being too suspicious and too harsh, however husband deleted those women from his Facebook anyway (after so much crying from my side and after more yelling from his side).
• There had been many episodes where husband had been staring, flirty or smothered by other women (his family's acquaintances) which I had pointed out and after several arguments he said he would work on it.

Move forward 6 years and 2 kids later:

• Husband is still open and talkative with non-mahrams however I've been trusting him and we always joke about him being too friendly with "sisters" in the playground.
• I did trust him and never checked his phone for messages or I never asked him about his whereabouts or such. Again trust.
• I seriously loved him so much. Well, until this happened:
• We went on holidays a month ago.
• Husband started using his phone a lot.
• One day (still during holiday) I asked him who this (insert username) he was snapchatting/texting with was. He quickly said a female colleague's name (non-Muslim).Note, that colleague was older than him, married and has kids. He jokingly said that he's not interested in her as she's old and married to which I jokingly replied that he might surprise me.
• He had been texting/snapchatting/sending photos to this username every day.
• When we came back from the holidays he had his phone glued to his hands and was always using it.
• One night, I had put the kids to bed and husband had also fallen asleep.
• Husband received a message. It wasn't the non-Muslim female co-worker. It never was. The said username had a bitmoji on it. It was X. She wrote "Goodnight" with heart emoji.

• I opened his Messenger and could see they had been chitchatting for a month before with the following conversation:

  • My husband had approached her on Messenger to begin with because of a job opening at his former workplace. He sent the link and described the opening in details.
  • Later, he asked for her phone number to which she asked why and he said "so I can call you and explain in details about the job opening".
  • After this, there is no professional talk. It's all personal and chit-chatty.
  • My husband asked her how her love life is going to which she told him that she's in a relationship with a non-Muslim and they are living together.
  • My husband asked for more details about her boyfriend.
  • He praises her that she is a good, honest and pretty person.
  • X suggests they go out and drink a cup of coffee and she can tell him everything and they can catch up.
  • My husband wrote back "my insanely jealous wife would go totally bananas" and he tells her that he has been busy with the kids but he will find some time.
  • She tells him in a jokingly manner that "you need to start controlling your wife" to which he agrees.
  • He tells her he misses the time they were studying together and how much fun they had (they both agree)
  • He tells her that she (X) is the ideal wife.
  • She starts sending music and soundtracks to him and he starts listening and commenting (bear in mind, my husband and I never listen to music. He had failed a couple of times while working out, but music is not a part of our home or everyday). He comments how he loves the soundtrack and he has been listening to it non-stop in the car or gym.
  • He sends selfie of himself in the car winking with his eye to the camera.
  • She asks for his Snapchat account and they move the conversation to Snapchat.

• I confront husband the same night that he has been lying that it wasn't his non-Muslim female, old and married colleague but in all this time is was X. I couldn't keep it in myself and I was so broken. He said "let's talk about this tomorrow" and I cried to sleep that night.

• Next day he lied that he had only been writing to her for a day and that it was because of the job opening. I confronted him in his lies and mentioned the messages above. He became quiet and said there is nothing between them and he's not interested in her. I explained to him that I can't trust him because of all the lies. He made excuses that he lied because he was afraid of my reaction and because I come from a family where this chit-chatting with non-mahrams is prohibited. I told him that Islam prohibits this behavior.

• He apologized and said he will not do it again and will stop all contact with her.

• After this, I could see he had deleted all traces of her. All messages on Messenger and her name from the "inbox" in Snapchat. He was still friends with her on Facebook and Snapchat though.

• Two weeks later, one morning our daughter was using his phone to watch some videorecording from the holiday and I was sitting next to her. Suddenly, A snap message popped up and instead of swiping it away, our daughter pressed on it. It was X again. He had been writing with her again.

• I mentioned this in the evening and he apologized again and said "I know it is wrong. It won't happen again".

• Apparently, he had been chatting with X again and always deleted her name from the inbox list so it would appear that he wasn't writing to her.

• I forgave him and told him that I want trust in our relationship and I can't stay married with a man who is not honest and faithful.

• She got the job.

What happened yesterday then? (a week later)

• I arrived home earlier from work today and I was still downstairs in the staircase (we live in a flat).
• Husband walked out of the apartment and he was talking loudly and happily on the phone.
• He saw me and was shocked. So shocked that I was puzzled why he looked at me like that and I said worriedly "Hi, what's up? Everything ok?"
• I could hear from his phone (it was very high volume) that it was a woman. I honestly thought it was his sister-in-law or a colleague.
• He quickly hung up.
• He said "it's X" and looked guilty at me.
• She called back immediately. He didn't pick up
• I told him that I don't care anymore and that I'm just tired.
• I passed him in the hallway and entered the apartment
• He walked after me and excused the call with something about his mum talking with her mum. And then he or X called (I didn't get that) and they went from being professional to being private and chitchatting.
• I stopped him immediately with his talk and told him that "I don't want to hear explanation or excuses - I'm just tired and can't deal with all this as I have an online meeting in 5 minutes" (true).
• He left to pick up the kids.
• He came home and wanted to talk. He mentioned again that it was wrong and apologized.
• I told him that I can't trust him and he only says sorry because he got caught.
• I told him that I can't carry on a marriage where I'm still young and attractive, doing everything and trying to be the perfect wife and mother and he treats me like this. I told him that I am not his mother and it is not my duty to continuously tell him what is right and what is wrong and then barely a week passes and he's back on that track again.
• What hurts more is that he is very much aware of how sinful it is to engage with a non-mahram woman yet he continues to do so behind my back.
• He doesn't want to end the marriage and doesn't want to leave the children.

So my brothers and sisters:

My husband says that what he did was wrong but I am exaggerating. I call this infidelity. Emotional infidelity. What do you say? He doesn't agree. He thinks zina (sexual intercourse with a person who is not your husband/wife) is infidelity.

Honestly, I am done. I am so tired mentally and I'm upset that he is ruining a great family with the most amazing children because of a woman like her. With any woman at all. This is just so wrong on so many levels. If this happened once, fine. But this has happened so many times! Not only this, I am pretty sure he has been writing to her more than what I have encountered because he kept on deleting her name from the inbox list in Snapchat.

I know I've been an amazing wife and an amazing mother - he says that himself, so what am I doing wrong here?I can't live in this relationship anymore. If I have to be a single mum then so be it.

Am I overreacting? Please advice what I can do from here, because I have tried with everything. Husband doesn't want to involve an imam or a therapist because he thinks I'm overacting.

My head says "No more. Divorce".

My heart? My heart is in pieces.

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EDIT EDIT EDIT (TODAY, THE DAY AFTER THE POST WAS CREATED!!!)

Dear everyone! Thank you for your kind messages and your duas. Please keep me in your duas because that's what I really need.

To those asking why I married a man who had such a past, then let me tell you that this was an arranged marriage (love or arranged, doesn't matter tbh) and he nor his family had told me and my family about all this. In Islam, if you repent and go back to Allah swt with the niyah of becoming a better Muslim and you truly are trying, then you're allowed to not mention your past sins. Look it up. His mother and sister-in-laws wear hijab, they pray (so does his father) and they're trying to follow the deen (although they're all still very much cultural, but hey that's their inner-battle - atleast they're trying). When that is said, I've never committed zina, tried alcohol, clubbing, etc. and he's aware of all this. However, I did ask him before we got married whether he had been with other women and he said yes, one. I found out (he told me) after we got married that it was several which broke my heart but he had repented and was ashamed of his past with alcohol and zina. So why add more salt to the wound when he was so good now? Past is the past. When I met him he was very righteous (not the one who would just say Alhamdullilah, Masha'Allah, etc.) No, he truly was on the right path. He was looking for a pious wife who he could build a family with. We both agreed that wealth and carreer is not something we aim for. We don't involve ourselves in interest loans, etc. We want to live a comfortable life. And we did. We did for 6 years until now.And this is why I'm so heartbroken now. Where is my husband? Where is the man I married?He would go against his family for the sake of Allah swt, our marriage ceremony was Islamic, we used my brother as mahram when texting so all text messages went through him, after our marriage he would every year enter ittekaaf. He has been chair member of the local mosque for years and he has done so much for the masjid - unfortunately, he stopped that because of work and because we moved away from the city.

My husband wanted to speak with me today. I'm only writing what he said - otherwise it'll be too long:

• He admitted that he had been continuously writing with her and he had called her on the phone.
• First he said the intention was that it should be professional talk, but it moved to be "personal" and chit-chatty.
• I asked him how many times he had spoken with her on the phone - 2 phone calls.
• I asked him to show me his call list. He said there is nothing. I asked why? You've deleted all the calls and messages? So you also admit that you removed her name from the Snapchat inbox so I would assume that you didn't write?" "Yes, I did."
• I asked him why - because he was embarrassed and it was wrong.
• He admitted that he has had feelings for her and he recently told X about his feelings to her.
• X told that she had feelings for him too and she regrets why she didn't tell him when they went to university together.
• My husband told me that I haven't done anything wrong and I'm perfect as I am.
• He said that he loves me and he loves this family. He doesn't want to ruin this marriage when everything is perfect.
• He said that even if we got divorced a relationship with X afterwards would never be possible because "we are similar in so many ways and cases, but when it comes to Islam then we are completely opposite".
• I told him that I don't want to continue this marriage because I can't trust him and because he keeps on lying.
• He got frustrated and angry and said "it wasn't because I was having sex with her. If I wanted to do that then I would've done it".
• I ask him if he had sex with her. He said no.
• He said that I'm overreacting and exaggerating over a slight bump in our relationship.
• I told him that I want to involve an imam or Islamic counsellor into this because I need (we need) someone to talk with and I can't involve my family nor his - to which he got very angry and said that he would rather be divorced that involve an imam.
• He later agreed to have me reach out to an imam but he doesn't think it's a good idea. But if that's what I want then okay.
• He didn't want to involve another party. Instead he said: "let me have this closure; I'll ring her, speak with her and close the things off and tell her that this cannot work".
• I told him that I want him to ring to her in front of me to which he refused and got very upset. I told him that's how it's going to be.
• He said "I'm going to tell her that my wife is sitting next to me". I told him no, you're not going to say anything. You just speak and I'll be silent in the background.
• He wanted to write to her on Snapchap first to tell that he's calling her. It said: "I'm calling ok?" and below the message it said "your snaps and chats will be pending until [husband username] adds you as a friend". So he has removed her from the list or she has removed him. So he had warned her before?
• He was a nervewreck when he rang her. She didn't pick up.
• After a while I ask him to call again; she doesn't pick up.
• The entire day goes by and it's night and she hasn't called or wrote back.
• I haven't been with my husband 24/7 although I've tried to be close to him or near him, so he could've warned her while I wasn't there. Subhan'Allah, this is what happens when there is no trust left.
• EDIT EDIT! So husband went frustrated and tired to bed. I told him why X hasn't replied to which he said "I don't know! She might have figured out that something is wrong. "
• SO WHILE HE'S ASLEEP I'M DOING SOME DIGGING! Remember he told me that he had called her 2 times? One this week because she was frustrated about the job she got (at his former work place) and the second call which was yesterday? Lies. I looked his usage up on the internet. He has called her not 2 times, but 24 times in total!
• 22 of the calls have taken place the last 16 days! 22 calls in 16 days!
• These calls lasted from 5 minutes to 25/32/45 minutes.
• He would call her in the morning (07:30am when heading to work), lunch time and after work (15:00pm)
• Another thing I just found out! Remember he said he doesn't know why X isn't responding?
• Well guess what, I looked his record up again on the internet. He wrote to her 4 times today! After he wrote to her on Snap that he wanted to talk. On Snap he reached out 13:00. He rang her 10-15 minutes later (for the closure talk).
• He texted her twice 13:45pm
• And then again twice 16:09pm when we were outside with the kids.
• And what do you think happened to those text messages? They're deleted.
• Wow. Wow. Wow.

So I need your advice. Not whether this is over or not. THIS IS OVER! But how should I approach this? I want to wake him up and make him confess but that wouldn't be wise.

Here are a couple of options:

• I show up at X's place to hear her explanation in regards to this. I won't be upset. I just want her to specify what has been going on so I can have a closure, throw it in his face and his family's and move on with my kids.
• I present him with the findings (calls, texts, lies, etc.) and file for a divorce.
• I want full custody over my children because I know he'll quickly find someone else and I cannot bear the thought of splitting my children 7/7 days and them staying with a woman who will not treat them kindly. Heck, their father might not even treat them kindly after the divorce. The court here automatically grants shared custody and only grants sole/full custody when it is absolute necessary.

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