I know that Islam has an extremely high rank for parents, especially the mother. And I feel really guilty saying something like me disliking my mother and am coming close to outright despising her.
There are a lot of things which make me dislike her, some of them are.
1) She backbites about everyone. She backbites about our dad, my brothers, my uncle, aunt, friends, brother's friends and literally every other human she meets. She's backbiting all the time about somebody and sometimes the negativity gets too much to bear.
2) She ruined my self-confidence by always treating me as a kid. She just doesn't trust me to do anything and laughs at things I do and stops me from other things. This lack of self confidence is ruining my life in several different ways.
3) I feel so unsafe around her. Anything I say seems to fall on deaf ears. Other times she just laughs it off. Apart from that, when sometimes I tell her something which I view as a secret, she just announces it to the whole family and every person she talks to.
4) She has a lot of double standards and accuses others of things which she does herself. And she brags a lot and thinks very unreasonably. Culture is very important to her even when it's dumb to follow it.
5) Anything she says is exaggerated and is "spiced up" by her to make for an interesting story. Sometimes these are just lies and since she backbites a lot, she makes everything sound extra negative and finds faults in everything.
6) She is a bit racist who just can't stop with the idea of white > black. White kids and women are better in her eyes than darker ones, even though this thought is completely unislamic.
7) She just complains all the time and almost never have anything good to say. Like "Ah 99% marks? Cool, but next time get 100%.". "Oh you brought this grocery? This has XYZ fault". "You brought/cooked this food? It's horrible".
8) She spends a lot of money in useless things but not important ones. She tried to save very little money by disturbing me during some very important exams but is ready to ready to spend a very large sum for a 2 hour wedding event of my brother.
9) She just never accepts any of her fault. My entire life has seen mom finding faults in others but I don't think I have ever seen her admitting herself to have been wrong.
10) She asks a million questions when I ask her even the most basic things. Everything seems to turn into an interrogation session. I ask her something, and she counterattacks me by asking me 4 questions in return. And I feel like I'm in 24/7 supervision and I can't even take clothes out of my own cupboard without her asking me questions. Makes me feel like I'm in a prison.
As a result of all this, I have resorted to isolating in my own room so I don't have to be in her company. But I feel suffocated in my own house and I feel most uncomfortable around the person who I am supposed to love the most.
Her behavior is affecting my mental health and I am usually a super calm person but just her being around is starting to irritate me.
In case any one is wondering, I am currently a student and have to depend on my parents for provisions. I can't talk to dad about this because he has a big temper issue and he has the approach "Parents and elders are always right and children are supposed to follow them always". Also, he lives abroad. I can't talk directly to mom as well because I can't stand her and she doesn't take me seriously or laughs it off.
I feel so much anger at her and am scared of worsening my mental health. I feel like I want to hurt her verbally and be extremely rude but I don't think this is the right way. Neither Islamically nor logically.
Need advice on what I can do.
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