ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ everyone. I’m honestly in a really bad place emotionally and just need to let out my emotions because I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this so I hope someone will read. Insha Allah someone will come across this. Side note: I’m ranting and in tears so excuse the poorly written essay I just need to let this out.
I graduated college three years ago and I’ve never felt so so so lonely in my life. All my life until 9th grade I’ve struggled to make friends, not because I’m socially awkward or anything but because I don’t really feel a deep connection or relate with the people I went to school with. I’m a minority and went to a 99% white elementary and middle school. I’ve always stuck out as a sore thumb with my name, hair texture and complexion. All through out my public school years I’ve tried to make friends and I don’t know if it’s just my luck or what but I haven’t found people I’ve connected with and therefore haven’t made friends. All of them have been surface level except for a few which I will get into. I also can’t seem to find myself getting close to non muslims just because of the life style difference with them.
I made two great friends that are also muslim and have been friends with them for years. One of them in particular has all the qualities of a good friend that I want. They check off all the boxes. I would always thank Allah swt for granting me this friend because prior to meeting them I honestly had no nope and accepted loneliness. Sadly, they moved very far away just when we were starting our adult lives and arguably the time I needed their support the most. This left a huge hole in my heart that hasn’t healed. The other friend is wonderful but as time goes on they have deviated from islam and I don’t think our values align anymore. This has led to a disconnect between us. Now I’m back to square one with no friends again.
Different things make different people happy and for me it’s friendships. It’s a big priority in my life. I often reflect about when is it I find my self laughing until tears come out, experiencing pure joy and all those times have been with my few close friends. I have always been satisfied with them, so in university I would spend almost all my time with them. However, I did actively try to make new friends because as I mentioned, friendships bring me so much joy. I remember going up to fellow Muslims in lecture and striking up conversations even when it was out of my comfort zone. I’ve asked many times to hang out outside of class. However it seems like these people had their own friend groups so they didn’t reciprocate with me and didn’t lead to friendships today. This is what pains me a lot. Looking back I really did try.
I see people all around me at my age enjoying their youth with their friends, making memories and having a close group of support which we all need as Allah swt created us with the want to be a part of communities. Honestly speaking some of these people aren’t even good people and have some negative qualities but for some reason they have so many friends. Not to boost my ego but what hurts me so much is that almost every person I meet tells me how kind/funny I am and how I must be a good friend. So why am I so lonely? I know I’m capable. I’ve actively tried to meet new people. I haven’t been sitting at home and then complaining.
At my age I feel like the odds are against me. When you’re out of school and just working it’s well known how difficult it can be to make friends. Even when I go to the mosque or volunteer I find my self surrounded by people who are either too young or too old to relate to. Not to mention, with all the fitnah in the world even some Muslims can engage in the wrong activities which I don’t want to be apart of. So it’s feeling harder and harder to fine genuine friendships even with Muslims. I know it may seem like I’m picky but we are our friends and I would rather be friendless than be friends with the wrong crowd and mess up my hereafter. I sometimes think that if I were to get married, what would be the point of having a wedding when no one would come?
I’m so blessed in many ways. Alhumdililah for all that Allah swt granted me with. I have a car, I have supporting parents who very often encourage and would let me go out with my friends. They would even let me travel if I wanted to. I feel like I have all the ingredients to make the best friends I’ve ever wanted to but just can’t find the people. I’ve heard others complain how they’re parents don’t let them go out and how they have other road blocks like a bad work schedule or no license. but I have none of that. I have the car sitting in the drive way. I have the time. I have the supporting parents. I have the kindness, empathy, loyalty, humor and religious values. I have so much love to give. So why am I so lonely?
If you’ve made it to the end, JazakAllah Khair for reading. Please make dua for me.
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