For the last 4 years, I couldnt get myself to say second half of the shahadah but today is the first time I said and actually believe my words.
Problem is i have severe ADHD that mirrors autism. I've been diagnosed multiple times and my medication turned me into the person I wanted to be. However, my treatment has become my enemy too and now as I get older I doubt my diagnosis. However, living life and being productive without medications is a huge risk and it terrifies me.
I remember how much I sucked at life before I started getting treated, but then again I was raised with too many distractions and was rarely allowed to go outside which stunted my growth as a boy. My father is a great man, but his absence in teaching me also made me very insecure especially since he mocked me a lot.
My medications have been an answer I needed that proved that Im not an idiot and that I can achieve anything if I put effort into it.
However, I had forgotten after I apostated how much Id cry to God for a solution which back then seemed to be unheard. God was always there for me, but I arrogantly thought that Im the only one in control.
I might have control over my work, but not my heart. I missed the calm of being a Muslim and trusting my fate in God. I always loved praying to God as the one in Whose hand is my soul and that has always been the case.
I am thinking of throwing it all away and relying on God to get me through life without medications. I think Im just a normal person who has dopamine issues from internet addiction and lack of physical activity.
There is this huge body of murky water that Im willing to step into and I dont know how deep it is. I risk losing my ability to be a straight A's student with Elon Musk kind of efficiency. I risk going back to being useless and a person with lots of goals but does nothing to achieve them.
You guys probably no answer for me, but I ask that you pray for me
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