Hello,
my father is horrible and was always abusive towards me. He is racist, lier, manipulator, curses people, angry and vulgar alcoholic, disbeliever, argues all the time, wishes people to die. When I grew up I started fighting back and now he is abusive mostly to my mother and afraid of me. I have cried to my mother more than once to divorce him but she doesn't think he is that bad, although she agrees with me that he is abusive.
I struggle with hypochondria, panic disorder, depression, sometimes I have thought about killing myself and very, very low - confidence. My life is a complete mess and I am only 27 year old. For example, I struggle with emotional overeating. For these few days that I told him that I will never speak to him ever again, I have eaten almost nothing and I don't feel hungry. I am full of peace and energy, my mood is stable, my mind is silent, my will is stronger. I went to play basketball on this "empty" stomach yesterday and I was full energy, unlike other times. By the way, he is singing happily and whistling, I don't see him to be very hurt from my decision. He doesn't care or at least that's what he is showing so far.
Also, while my father knew that I feed the stray cats around the building block we live in, he told me that he throws away the cups of food and water that people leave for the cats because "it's littering and I don't want to see it. who are they to decide that I have to see cups of food and water?" He also forbid me (27 year old) to feed the cats because they are dirty. Mind you, I am feeding them outside, how is putting food and water a dirty thing? He also told me that when he was young he ate a cat. He says these things in a manner as if he is not trying to be hurtful and he acts like shocked when I get upset with what he says but I suspect he knows very well what he is doing. He LOVES drama and argue.
Can you believe what kind of a human I have dealt with all my life? When I was young I used to go to sleep wishing he would die, my stomach would turn to knot from fear every time he opened the door. My hatred towards him is immense and this little act of not talking to him ever again is bringing me great peace. I can't stand him.
Also, apparently I have tolerated toxic friends for too long too. These few days my intuition has been clear regarding who I want to hang out with and how much bad behavior I can tolerate. I have become much less tolerant towards my friends, who are mostly drunks or criminals with bad character, just like my father.
Yet I feel guilty and afraid that I am doing an evil, ungrateful act before God and that I will go to Hell if I permanently cut ties with my father. And my belief in God is concrete because he gave me a clear sign (I told myself that if God exists then I will find something on the ground in the next 30 minutes and I found two different kinds of drugs, not in the same place, and that was while I was quitting drugs).
Should I burden myself to restore the ties with my father when this will throw me back in struggle and addiction?
[link] [comments]
from Islam https://ift.tt/3lhpt99
Post A Comment:
0 comments so far,add yours