I am getting insane

If i take a look at it, I am getting pretty insane, and I know it is my fault.

I feel like I am born to sin and go astray because almost every sin I commit is a major one.

I could be holding on a light pole during a flood, but the flood sometimes ceases and often gets much so stronger, that I can barely hold on it.

Every good from me is going downhill, every bad is rising.

I am having a thought of comitting something bad tonight, well I will catch two flies with one whip, by that I mean a bad thing will maybe happen to me here and perhaps in the akhira but Allah knows best.

I was during my college time till today almost everytime at the end of the year kind of the best one in the class, and now in my last year it is going horrible, perhaps because I am horrible, I really am.

I asked a sheikh about my extreme fear of the punishment in the akhira because of sins I always fall back to, and he told me something like it was fake because if there was a danger sign saying "Warning Sharks" I wouldn't jump into to the water and swim there, wouldn't I?

I am maybe in extreme debt, but with hasanah and sins because of people I have hurt and keep hurting, but Allah knows best.

I am jealous of other muslims because of the amount of great worship they do and here is little bean bag me.

I feel like I am completely unprepared for that one day, because I'll maybe loose all the good deeds, I do maybe extremely little good and an huge amount of major sins, but Allah knows best.

It is now almost unimaginable for me, that I was innocent once.

I think my sins are pretty much controling my mental state. But nevertheless I won't go to a psychiatrist, I don't want anyone in my surroundongs to know that. Maybe they're thinking my current problem is school, but if they only knew. My anger is maybe getting out of control, but perhaps it will perish the next day.

I know, the shaytan, but I've been fighting for years now and I've gotten so weak.

I often imagine running away from home somewhere more silent, like into a forest on a mountain because I would be away from all the other major sins. Isn't it a good trade? From many major sins to a couple of major sins, but idk how I could make it a zero. Perhaps I can't.

I know the story woth the man who killed 100 people, but I don't know. Not even older than twenty and already an top candidate for jahannam.

Allah knows best what will happen to me in the future.

May Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong.

I am not sure if any comment will help, I've tried countless of times seeking help, but at the end of the day, it is my fault because I just did not act correctly.

I still want jannah and have nothing to do with jahannam, but I don't know in my case.

Ugh I am such a lost case, I have tomorrow (kind of) an big test and I have absolutely prepared nothing just like last week. My response to this? F- it. I am so desperate.

May Allah forgove me if I have said anything wrong

submitted by /u/MimicOfPlagy
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