I am an 18 year old Muslim girl. I pray my daily Salah, occasionally pray Tahajjud, fast, observe hijab, does not talk to non-mahram, helps my family in schoolwork/chores/well-being and try my best to avoid major sin.
I used to find my happiness and peace in prayer and dua. I felt like a close slave to Allah. No matter what happened, I trusted in Allah to help me.
From the past two years, everything changed. Many things happened in my life that disturbed me. Family feuds, family infidelity, moving to Pakistan, switching schools 7 times, going from valedictorian and head girl to a near failure despite studying 10+ hours a day... always being belittled and cursed by my family, being betrayed by family, losing my old friends, gaining new friends who broke my trust, beloved family members passed away, rejection from my dream unis without any alternative.
Despite all of this, I prayed even more. But now, I have been feeling so confused. None of my duas have been answered. I have not felt happiness in two years even when I tried to set up a gratitude/prayer list and mood tracker journal. My faith has disappeared. I can’t accept this “Qadr”. I have no one. I thought Allah SWT Loved me but it isn’t written anywhere in the Quran that He does love His slave. I have asked Allah SWT to forgive me for my sins and end my life but I’m still here. I am fleeing to Allah but I do not feel any connection. I cannot make dua without crying and being sad. Even after all trials, Jannah still isn’t promised.
All I think about all day is suicide. I find this world so painful and me thinking Allah SWT Will Help and Reward me was the only source of peace. Now that I don’t feel any of this, the only thing I feel in religion is that I need to avoid sin so that Jahannum isn’t written for me. But no matter what I do, my faith gets weaker and weaker. What if I am turning into a kaffir since in qadr there is hell written? I wish I was never born. I cannot handle this anymore.
Please tell me what I can do to fix this. I read Astaghfar. I try to remember to be grateful for everything that I have and frequently recite Alhumdullilah. But even some of the things that I would thank Allah for were taken, too. What do I do? Im so confused and ashamed.
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