Assalamu alaikum rahmatullahi barakatuh everyone. I reverted to Islam about two weeks ago and it has been the best decision of my life. I truly feel like Allah(SWT) has been leading me to this since childhood. I’m 32 years old now born and raised in the United States (white with a Hispanic background). My religious background is vast to say the least. I come from a Pentecostal household. I could never ascribe to that “religion.” Speaking in tongues, constant talk of the rapture, worshipping Jesus without even a mention of God it seems, etc. It never made much sense to me. Regardless I felt strongly for God and the path of helping others through Him. I always remember a memory I have from when I was a child: I was in the car with my mother and asked her how I could be a wise man for God. She said he doesn’t need wise men. It wasn’t until recently that I realized what this amazing calling I felt at the time truly was.
My life was completely dominated by searching for knowledge. Philosophy, religion, physics, mathematics, just about anything. I felt there was something I was looking for and could never put my finger on it, so continued to learn a lot about so many different paths as well as practicing them. I remember how my mother once threw away some books I had bought because they were “evil:” A Buddhist Bible(different sutras), The I-Ching, and the Holy Qur’an. I never got a chance to read the last one. Into my 20s I practiced Zen meditation and through searching for mysticism attached to God, I found the Orthodox Church. I felt I had found that which I was looking for. The ancient Church of Christ. I converted and learned an immense amount of information in a short span as I tend to do when I love something. I felt I wanted to be a priest or even a monk (I was married by this point and priests can be married in Orthodoxy) but things didn’t work out and I ended up fading away from the religion. The trinity never sat quite right with me.
After a few years of atheism I discovered the vast world of the occult and magick. Qabalah, Aleister Crowley, rituals, invocations, etc. The freedom of practicing my will and working to free my spirit was a beautiful pursuit, but again things just weren’t clicking. I can’t explain it. I practiced shamanism and shamanic journeying and had some actual unbelievable experiences. I used hallucinogens to expand consciousness. You can see by now how I aspired for this connection. Arabic magick was also very interesting to me because I found I’m actually more arabic than anything else even though I look totally Anglo Saxon. So I was interested in that Middle Eastern magick current as a result. Then I hit a roadblock and just couldn’t really go anywhere. Until I learned about Ibn-Arabi.
Now I’m not a Sufi, but when I learned about his teachings of the Unity of Being, of the oneness of Allah(SWT), everything clicked. The one divine essence in Qabalah, Kether and the reflections of it all the way to Malkuth (what we see and where we live), went perfectly with what Ibn-Arabi was talking about. So naturally I started to learn about Sufism. Oh man but this means I need to learn about Islam!! Oh no not that crazy backward religion!!! I’d never be a Muslim no way and even if I considered it, Shariah and all that craziness oh heck no! Allah(SWT) had other plans.
As I began to study, I learned of the beauty of the recitation of the Qur’an. Way before I had already loved the Adhan as pretty much everyone does. I experienced the incredible feeling of purification from Wudu and the mystic connection to Allah(SWT) in prayer. I then learned of the IMMENSE scholarship behind the religion and fell in love even more. “Student of Knowledge” is a thing? Scholars? The little child who wanted to be a wise man for God was staring bright eyed and in awe. My entire life has been seemingly training to learn this material! Fiqh oh so so so wonderful. The Hadith, learning the way The Prophet(SAW) did everything and the why behind it. Never has my mind been so stimulated and excited to learn. Allah(SWT) was already blessing me with knowledge.
But I can’t be a Muslim yet. I mean look I masturbate a lot, look at pornography, I don’t drink at least, but I like psychedelics, I don’t know the prayers that well, Halal is nowhere to be found here, etc. I should improve before reciting the Shahadah. Also, what would people think? My wife? My little dog whose love has been a blessing for six years? What about my huge sleeve tattoo? People will be horrified at the masjid. I’ll just wait. I’ll try it out and see how I feel.
Then it hit me.
Is it better to improve myself by myself? No. I realized something. I believe Islam is what I have been searching for . Allah(SWT) doesn’t care who I was or who I am when I revert. I’d rather be the worst Muslim in the world with Allah(SWT) helping me to improve than some guy who is thinking of reverting to Islam. I believe no one else is worthy of worship except Allah(SWT) and that The Prophet(SAW) is messenger. So what’s the problem? I told myself, “just do it and do your best with Allah(SWT) in your heart and the Sunnah of The Prophet(SAW) guiding you along.” So I did.
My life has been wonderful ever since. I pray my salat in full every day and now am praying the Sunnah prayers as well subhanallah it is thanks to Him. I prayed my first Tahajjud last night which was amazing. As for knowledge, I’ve never absorbed something so fast before. I spend literally all my free time reading Fiqh, watching videos on it, Hadith, etc. I always ask Allah(SWT) for knowledge and memorization and I feel He is blessing me with at least the desire to learn. Will I ever be a scholar? Inshallah!!! I pray it can happen somehow, but regardless, learning the perfect religion of Islam is worship of Allah(SWT) in and of itself and I am happy to do it. I pray the little child wise man I was realizes his dream. I give thanks to Allah(SWT) for helping me find my way to him. I meant this to be shorter and it can be much longer, but I wanted to share with you all. Thank you for listening.
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