I feel so tired and sad. Every day I know that I am closer and closer to failiure. I'm failing my mom, my younger siblings, Allah, and myself.
I'm a college student that hasn't started my third year of college yet, but will probably be kicked out because of a stupid cheating scandal that I got caught up in last year.
I'm living near university, and my siblings and my mom live with my abusive step father who abuses them and my mom tells me everything about him and what he does.
My mom doesn't want anything out of me however, the one thing she asks is for me to become successful in school and give her dignity through my career and study hard.
In this case, the field that I am studying for is Medicine, and sometimes she texts me and asks what I am doing, and I lie. I lie and tell her that I am studying for my MCAT, when in reality I'm playing video games and eating and watching YouTube all day.
I have become lazy and because of me failing all of my classes last year, which my mom found out about, but forgave me for, I have lost all momentum.
Just before writing this post, I was looking ok my Facebook feed and saw all these posts of my college colleagues who are all moving on to better and greater things, be that going to Stanford Medical school or Harvard Law School.
I don't understand how they don't succumb to their temptations, these are Muslims and non Muslims alike, some of them I know party and do other stuff, but they're so successful and have such gusto. I am loser
Going on LinkedIn as well just continuously reminds me of how less I am in terms of overall accomplishments and success.
I have always thought of myself as gifted with intelligence, but maybe I never put in the proper amount of work in, because intelligence is a gift that needs to be supplemented with work ethic.
I thought that despite all of this, I would be able to resume my research volunteer position, because that was one position that was highly coveted, but the lab professor told me they don't have any room for me anymore in there, maybe it's because I wasn't communicating with them for the past summer, but still it hurts.
I feel numb, slightly depressed, I don't like to use the word depressed because I never thought I am, but maybe I am so lazy and have such procrastination that I try to escape my present problems. I do know that I have a masturbation problem however. It has become worse and worse.
Maybe Allah is punishing me for this. It went from watching porn, to posting pics, go now looking for hookups. I know it's just gng to get worse and worse. I have a good streak for maybe 7 days, then the sexual tension just eats at me and I go berserk [figuratively] and act on my impulses.
I don't know what to say, I don't trust myself, and I want to make my mom proud, but I don't think I will. She will never see her dreams realized based on the direction I am headed, and I try to pray to God, but this constantly happens.
I am a loser. I am gng to be a loser who will have to have roommates at 40 years old, looking for jobs at target, I am wasted potential.
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