I'm writing this with tears in my eyes at how much of a terrible, pathetic person that I am. I haven't been a good person even let alone a good muslim. I feel so terribly ashamed because I think if my family or friends actually know what is hidden they'd be really ashamed, and well, disappointed. I'm 17f and... I fell into the porn hole when I was really young around 7 or so. I feel like my life would have been so much better if i just didn't stumble upon it, i regret it so bad it hurts. Sometimes even when i pray explicit footages would resurface to my mind, and it makes me feel HORRIBLE it's agonising that i can't even do my prayers in peace without it being there somewhere on my mind. And it makes me feel pathetic and horrible, i've always hated it so much yet i keep going back to it because i'm just really weak. I can't connect well with allah swt i feel it just keeps cutting my connections with him whenever i try and i feel so tired. Anything i achieved in my life i always think that i don't actually deserve this at all, but also it scares me that i wont get the grades i want or literally anything in the future because i keep failing him i keep failing allah and it's taken a toll on me i dont know what to do anymore i feel so lost and disappointed with myself. And when it comes to my family i feel even worse because even though our circumstances arent good they're still doing they're still doing their best and im just here loathing myself. I feel like porn created a problem in my life that cant be solved. I'm not a good muslim, i can barely do my prayers, i started reading the quran daily recently. My mother and father divorced when i was really young about 3 maybe and i cant remember a time when they were together and it went sort of peacefully. It was all bad. I barely talk to my father and now he's just like a stranger to me, like he knows nothing about me nor do i about him except that he is a selfish man and honestly im starting to think he doesnt care much about me because he doesnt call us or ask about us at all. My mother has to work abroad away from me and my 2 older siblings. My mom is a great person, god blessed me with a wonderful woman to be my mother alhamdulillah and so are my siblings. They took good care of me. But please to anyone out there who is a parent or an older sibling, dont let anyone fall into this dark hole because it'd just really hard to get out of and honestly it's painful. I dont want anyone to be like me this way, i hate to think how many people became victims to this disgusting industry.
Thank you for reading so far into my rant, may allah swt protect you all, also sorry for english mistakes it's not my first language
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