Having trouble reconciling certain restrictions/cultural patterns that prevents me from going "all in" on the faith so to speak.

First let me start by saying, I'm not anywhere near as "pious"/invested as some of my fellow redditors but to those who are somewhat reformed or came from alternative westernized upbringings and made the switch back/or simply went all in on your faith - I'd love to hear from you.

So my faith ebbs and flows and has highs and lows like a cycle and is inexplicably tied to my culture as you'll read below . My parents are loud and brash people but honestly extremely kind and patient in terms of tolerance towards my ever rotating spirituality -- they value their relationship with their son and don't push it too hard and I'm grateful for that. Right now I was in a low but I'm starting to get back into it again and

And before anyone chimes in with Fear Allah and this and that. I'm looking to make the decisions from a place of understanding, warmth, and forgiveness and not out of fear. I know myself well enough at this age that fear based tactics just don't work for me and make me tune out.

And before any judgement calls start flying on that - I hope you live a blessed life and smooth journey brother - but not all of us will get to walk that path so easily. To each their own and I'll get whats coming to me on the day of judgement - and I've reconciled with that for the time being.

With all the formalities aside:

I have a hard time getting over some relatively small things and hopefully some perspective from here helps:

• The beard thing: I'm not a beard guy at all, and I look infinitely better clean shaven. But its considered fard to keep growing till you can grab it by a fist or so. This almost surely kills my chances at work and I've had a manager pull me aside to keep it clean cut before once when I tried. Has anybody else put up with this? Has anybody successfully navigated with a full fistful beard in a western environment? I can see myself giving a messi /drake like beard a shot when I'm a bit older and a tad more established - but convincing myself to grow by the fistful is hard until I'm somewhat on the old man side.
• Marriage trips me up HARD: This creates a constant push and pull in my heart. I haven't been on a single date in my life and have very rarely (years ago) even talked with muslim young ladies (in HS AP bio class lol) and I've never felt confident with women because of this. I can't reconcile how I'm supposed to have a happy relationship with someone when I'm such an awkward klutz with women. This makes me wanna take the plunge and just date so at least I have my wits about me. My parents were arranged and they hated each others guts and fought hard all through my childhood -- they've since mellowed and made peace with all of it but I don't want to repeat that cycle. I can see where my dad messed up and ultimately a lot of came of lack of understanding of a woman's emotional needs. What if SHE's been on dates and realizes that she married a clueless idiot that actually followed what was asked of him? I'm creeping up on 25 and still figuring out the career situation and early marriage is not an option -- we are not wealthy(immigrants) and it would be highly irresponsible and unsustainable to drop a wedding on a retail clerks salary who's wrapping up school. To my former unmarried chads who held firm - how are you retaining your composure post marriage?
• I can't even marry who I would like: The meme that continuously runs in my house is marry who you like "as long as its from the list of approved candidates" and to fly in the face of this - is considered to be a direct disobeying of parents and all the punishment that ensues. All they want to do is import some lady from back home because she has "traditional values" and kinda keep the immigration chain running. I have nothing in common with people back home and literally hardly speak the language and we come from small villages thus she's no english maestro either - so its gonna be a shitty time for me AND her. And I don't want to ruin her life being stuck with some guy who's just putting up with her.
• The choice: I remember once seeing a really pretty hijabi girl my age ish (in the west) at the time and I would liked to shoot my shot the halal way -- but she's outside my race/nationality so its a no go and she's not from back home - my parents don't even want a girl from the same race from HERE (ya know - someone I might actually have a shot at connecting with?) . Stuff like that grinds my gears because if I be my own man about it and say "I'll marry a halal candidate of my choosing " and tell em to back off - I disobey Allah via the parents and ostracize myself from my own family (which is what they have stated will happen) to boot which is probably a double sin. But then if I follow the precise orders - I'm basically set up for a miserable life and your wife probably accounts for like 50% of your happiness or something lol (its who you spend the most time with probably).

It's things like this that prevent me from going all in- I know its lame to most of you and I expect the hate comments - but any advice here is appreciated. I can't practice a faith fully if I can't keep my sanity in it and thats the crux of what I'm grappling with.For now I'm just gonna keep my head down and keep at the grind as I've done with a few more prayers and Quran practice thrown in. Just do what I can.

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