When I was 11 years old i began to find interest through my mother in the teachings of Islam. I was so amazed by every story and everything that had to do with Islam. I remember when I was 11 years old I asked my mom if I could fast. I asked her to teach me how to do Salah.
I was so in love with Islam. My faith was so strong at such a young age. I remember when I was 11, I convinced my parents to let me fast. I made it to 16 days, and half way through the school day fainted. I was so driven to finish my fast that as a 12 years old I would have rather passed out than broken it.
The years went on and I stayed with my prayers, with stories from my mom and I was so proud to be a good son and muslim.
I turned 18 and things started to slide. I stopped praying. First the Sunnah prayers went, than the Fard ones also. My heart turned cold. I started to think the morning alarm was annoying instead of waking up to salah i dreaded it.
I stopped praying. I started living like a westerner. I started drinking and smoking. I forgot everything my mom taught me. I betrayed her. I betrayed myself.
For about 10 years I tried everything under the sun to fill a void in my heart. Ive had such a lonely life. No matter which vice or distraction I turned to all it did was take me away from Allah, and from my family.
Im literally crying writting this. I never became the proud son I wanted to become. I never became the muslim my mom thought i was. As things opened up, her view of me changed. When we were kids she would talk to us about really bad sins like drinking or sex and she would refer to people who do those things as almost non-people, people with cold hearts, people who allah has forgot. Lost ones. idk if this makes sense. As a kid there was an eerie fear of "those" people in my heart. And sitting in a cozy home with my then family I felt safe and away from the posibility of ever becoming one of them.
today im 29 and have chosen weed over my mother. ive chosen to not come home for weekends just to hang out with useless friends. Friends I dont have today and are no where to be found. How could i have turned away from my mom and dad. The more time passed the more things they found out and the more isolated from them ive felt.
I sit here today and i havent been able to stop crying everyday for the last week. You see I miss that little boy i used to be. I miss everything about him. Given everything ive done Allah has always taken care of me. I can feel it in my heart. I cant stop crying from the regret.
I want to be him again. I want to be proud of myself. I want to go to a mosque and pray with other muslims, I want my mother to be proud of me, I want her to think that she did everything right. I blamed my parents for so much in my life. All they ever wanted was whats good for me. I was so stupid and blind. I feel so much guilt especially for my mother. She, just like when i was 10 from then to this day hasnt even missed a sunnah salah. She hasnt missed a day of fasting. She has the kindest heart. Everyday she works on her feet and never complains. i feel so much guilt.
I want to become who I always thought Id be, i want to be a person that Allah loves. I dont know why i even wrote this, but i just cant take this anymore. In my drunken times I ever thought taking my life was always an option. WHAT?? how did i become this person.
Does anyone have any advice on how to end this guilt that makes me cry every night. How do I start to become goo again? I forgot how to pray. Where do I start, do I just wake up tomorrow and start praying again?
please if anyone has come back to islam please give me advice. Everything for the past 10 years ive used to distrat myself from Allah has not brought me any peace. Its ripping me apart. I just want to feel that safe feeling again. I cannot explain it, i used to pray fajr salah 4 am in the dark asa kid and it felt like nothing can hurt me. i just want that peace again.
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