I was never the best Muslim in the world but this year a very close family member who was a single mom got sick. I was convinced she’ll be okay because she was young BUT I was also 100% sure that God cannot take her away from her kids as he is merciful. She passed away.
Ever since then a switch has flipped in my mind. I have always had underlying OCD like symptoms. But they were about cleaning, hygiene etc. Now they’re all about religion. I’m scared to do anything because in my mind Allah is just thinking of ways to punish me. I have to be perfect or he will destroy me.
I can’t do little things which bought me joy. I got a piano (please don’t talk about the religious rulings. I’ve checked several opinions & bought it after much consideration). I’m scared to play it because I’m terrified someone will get hurt as my punishment. I’m scared to read books because I thought about their plot during praying. I keep having sleep paralysis like symptoms hearing voices from “ God” where I have to make promises about not doing x y z. I make duas, I think I said something wrong. I need to keep repeating.
I was different before. I used to think if I did some minor mistake I could be forgiven because God understood and is merciful. Now it’s like no. He will just harm me. He can never forgive me and if I accidentally say something that I regret I can never take it back. I’m scared.
It doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many confusing post about mental illness from Muslims online & offline. People with hallucinations being told to pray, people with clear signs of manic disorder being told to read Quran. It’s hard to tell what’s mental illness vs what’s a religious experience.
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