I'm new here and I have some troubles. I used to be a good Muslim when I was a young teenager but fell into masturbation and sin. I watched one strange "new age" video when I was in a state of sin, regret and shame, at 15, and it hindered my faith. Since then I always looked up everything about hypocrites that I didn't know and rechecked what I knew already. I was afraid there is a disease in my heart. Verses Quran 41:5, Quran 2:74, Quran 2:18 always worry more. As well as other verses. And it brought me to tears reading about the hypocrites being cursed and in the lowest levels of hell. For years I didn't pray as much and for some months didn't pray at all. Because I believed that I was already lost.
And have found out later, that those that don't pray at all "have left the fold of Islam". I used to believe imaan was the strongest part of belief. But I can see why the scholars would say you need to both believe and pray since if your Imaan is strong than you'd be obedient. And Iblees knew of Allah but disobeyed.
I've also had many other troubles. I have this deja vu problem and feel like I lived these past years before. I have talked to an imaam about this and he said he had a similar problem when he was younger but I believe mine is worse. It's ruining my life because I see so many different "realities" and the images come to my mind. Sometimes they are weak. Some months they are very weak and some months they are very strong and almost everyday. And my dreams have been strange for years. There have also been strange coincidences that have been happening to me but when I experience all of these things
I think of the verse, Quran 6:59, and that makes me calmer for a while.
My faith is still weak and I don't pray that much. I have also been sinning more the past three years almost daily. I still believe in Allah but my faith isn't as strong as when I was a teenager.
This ahadith has bothered me since I was 18.
"Narrated `Abdullah bin Mus'ud:
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), the true and truly inspired said, "(The matter of the Creation of) a human being is put together in the womb of the mother in forty days, and then he becomes a clot of thick blood for a similar period, and then a piece of flesh for a similar period. Then Allah sends an angel who is ordered to write four things. He is ordered to write down his (i.e. the new creature's) deeds, his livelihood, his (date of) death, and whether he will be blessed or wretched (in religion). Then the soul is breathed into him.
So, a man amongst you may do (good deeds till there is only a cubit between him and Paradise and then what has been written for him decides his behavior and he starts doing (evil) deeds characteristic of the people of the (Hell) Fire. And similarly a man amongst you may do (evil) deeds till there is only a cubit between him and the (Hell) Fire, and then what has been written for him decides his behavior, and he starts doing deeds characteristic of the people of Paradise."
Sahih al-Bukhari 3208
Book 59, Hadith 19
Please pray for me, if that is allowed.
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