Hi, I'm a 20 year old girl and most of my free time is spend at home, unless I go to school. The only times I go outside is either with my cousins, sister and/or mother ocassionally. I don't mind going outside with them because I care about my family and enjoy my time spend with them, but that has left me with almost no friends. The last time I went out with some friends was summer 2020. I never went to bars or clubs, I just went out for dinner or go bowling or to the cinema, nothing harmful or haram, but even that seems like a big deal for them to the point that I'm only allowed once a year for a restricted amount of hours if I beg. I live in a small town where there are almost no other muslima's, so I don't know how my parents can blame me for only having non-muslim friends.
The fun part is, my parents know that I'm lonely and that I'm socially anxious, and they use that against me for their own agenda. A couple of days ago I felt sick and dizzy and didn't feel like going to visit my aunt, and my dad gaslighted me by saying that this passive and 'lazy' behavior of me was the reason I felt so miserable and alone. That they refuse to let me go outside without them breathing down my neck isn't the reason in their eyes apparently. I feel trapped, frustrated, overwhelmed. I don't want to go clubbing, I don't want to hang out with boys or drink, I just want to be able to live a normal life without feeling guilty if I for once put myself first. I've fallen into a depression, but I know my parents would be dismissive towards it because they came to Europe from a war torn country so I should probably feel grateful that at least I wasn't in their first position. But isn't the reason parents flee those type of countries to give their children a better future?
They only care if I get good grades and about our image towards the rest of our family. I literally don't see the point in living. That this has been my life for the last 20 years is so embarassing and a slap in my face because I haven't even reached 1% of the beautiful potential living has. That marriage seems to be the only way out of my parents grasp is such a sad reality. I feel embarassed to say this, but I don't shower, don't eat, just lay in bed all day waiting for summer to be over so I can go back to school and let that be the only moment I can go outside. I respect the rules of the Quran, but the way my parents misuse cultural norms as religious rules make me despise my religion. Even though I don't want to because I know it's the fault of my parents and not Islam itself. I feel so torn and empty, if this continues to be the rest of my life I don't see the point in living it anymore.
How am I able to live in a halal way that also gives me my space and freedom?
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