This is a very hard question for me to ask, just because of how embarassing this is. But I feel that I can't change anything if I didn't ask anyone, so asking here is the best I can do right now.
I'm 17. And I masturbate, a lot. I dont remember when and how I found out about pornographic content, but what I do know is that I've been doing it for years. And it ruined my prayers, faith and just made me a worse person.
Alhamdulillah, at the end of last year, I felt a strong desire to stop this sin, but it's just way too hard. I tried to take care of my 5 prayers, and started to read the Quran often. But the desire is just way too strong. I'm addicted.
I promised myself that everytime I masturbated, I would do ghusl and make a tawbah prayer to repent.
But I cant help but to feel concerned if Allah will ever accept my repentance.
I've masturbated so much that everytime after I did a tawbah prayer, there's this lingering feeling of "Well, i'm just going to do it again anyway, its a guarantee."
I know that Allah is forgiving and ever merciful, but I also know the 3 conditions for Allah to accept our tawbah.
- To give up that sin immediately.
- To make a firm resolve to avoid the sin in the future.
- To sincerely regret and feel guilty about your past sin.
Condition 2 and 3 worries me greatly. I cant help but wonder if I were actually 'sincere' during my prayer.. I don't know if I feel guilty or not. I always have the feeling of "I'm still going to do it in the future, getting out of an addiction is not an instant process."
Sorry for this extremely long post, but I just had to get it all out. May Allah bless whoever that took the time to read this post, because I appreciate it so much.
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