Ramadan is coming, but I feel anxious about it...

I have witnessed many Ramadans since birth and am thankful I’m close to one more again. But for the past few years (the last 3-5 Ramadan I’ve experienced) I have been dealing with constant anxiety. While many muslims embrace this holy month with joy and excitement, I just get anxious whenever it comes.

I used to fast with joy and committment and no worry during my teen years. But now I can’t trust myself anymore. So I have avoided fasting for the past few Ramadans (That’s the plural right?).

I just couldn’t deal with the anxiety and I still get these feelings again. I want it to stop but I just don’t know how to do it anymore, there are two I’m aware of that makes me this way:

One reason for this is the fear of breaking the fast and being burdened with the 61 day fasting penalty. Not as much as before but I used to have a lot of waswas about kufr/shirk and how I may accidently become a disbeliever on a daily basis. And during last ramadan , I just couldn’t cope with this fear so I didn’t fast the whole month. I was afraid I would commit an act of shirk/kufr and thought my fasting would be broken as an outcome, and thus I would have to deal with the 61 day fasting thing which totally stresses me out. Cause I don’t think I would have the time nor possibility to do that.

A second reason is this one matter that I asked months ago here on reddit (but whom I’ve been dealing with for 1.5 year now) which is related to the kufr/shirk paranoia I have. I can’t stop thinking about it and it just comes back to me everytime and puts me in an exhausting search for answer/advice and fatwas (you can see which matter I’m talking about in my posts). Not only does it make my anxiety worse but also exhausts me spiritually. But my main problem related to my fear of fasting is the first one I mentioned above.

So in short. I’m dealing with a long term anxiety which also affects my religious practice and I’m afraid it will affect my fasting this year aswell. I’m simply afraid of fasting, but I want to get rid of this fear. But I don’t know how to.

Could you give me some advice what I can do about this anxiety, if you have any? Or atleast make dua that I get rid of it?

I hope you all have a very blessed Ramadan.

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