Hello all, I just want to start by saying that I am not a troll nor am I looking for sympathy, I am simply trying to see whether or not my situation can ever be "forgiven" one day.
I am almost 19 years old, was raised as a Muslim but frankly speaking as I grew older and started to question the reality I'm living in, I came to the conclusion that the entire universe is simply a phenomena of accidental waves interacting with each other. I just did not understand why an entity such as Allah would waste time by testing microscopic organisms he created to see whether or not they'll worship him, and to this day, I still disregard the genuineness of Islam and its purpose (again, this is not by any means bashing the religion nor individuals that practice it). However im in a point were I am actively reading more about religion but im very far from truly acknowledging it, mainly due to the contradiction I witness in real life or even on the internet (extremists muslims, muslims making up their own rules, etc..) overall making it hard for me to take people opinions seriously.
Anyhow, I've committed a large portion of alkabaers in my life that makes me think whether or not I might actually have a chance of being forgiven again (knowing that Allah is the most merciful and such still leaves uncertainty as to what the stop line might be like). I have smoked weed, ate magic mushrooms, ate pork, had sex (once), and by far the most fucked up thing ive done that could legitimately bring people into cussing me out in the comments section which is: cutting a page of the Quran (since its the thinnest type of paper) to roll my weed in since I ran out of rolling papers :/
I was disappointed in myself for disrespecting a religion like that knowing its sacred to many others out there (im unironically a pretty nice person that treats people very well and not in any way evil as my sins seems to be, or atleast thats how I see myself).
After reading my situation, does anyone mind sharing your thoughts regarding whether or not, Allah might actually reaccept me as his follow or will I forever be doomed? And just to clarify, I am yet to reconvert as im still looking for a lot more, but this one question is on my mind would help me understand what ill be going through if I do one day decide to become muslim again. As silly as it sounds, im trying to take my time to actually understand everything about the religion so I can be convinced and have faith again compared to fooling myself into converting but not taking the religion seriously.
Im sorry if this is badly written, as I am on my phone. Additionally, id like to apologize to anyone who mightve been offended by my text.
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