forgiveness within Islam / struggling with rules

Not sure if this is a dumb question, or comes across as arrogant but would love to hear feedback or advice etc about it.

My dads side of the family are religious Muslims, and my dad has always been strict about rules when I was growing up. However when my parents divorced and he moved country 9 years ago, I lost touch with Islam and the religious aspects of it. Because of him going I felt more free and even now, feel a bit rebellious? especially at university.

I’ve definitely done things seen as haram such as experimenting with drugs every now and then and smoking like weed or having relationships.
However, as I get older, I think about islam and how Allah will view what I’ve done , if that makes sense?

I was just wondering if even after doing haram stuff like this, will I ever be accepted in allah’s eyes as a Muslim - if especially later on in life I decide to explore the religious aspects of it.. i’m just worried in case I’ve done too much haram things in my past to every be, forgiven? if I do 100 good things but for example smoke weed, will I be going to hell?

I know allah is seen as forgiving and even passages from the Hadith like ‘’Whoever is merciful even to a sparrow, Allah will be merciful to him on the Day of Judgment.” Give me a bit of hope on the forgiveness within Islam.

I don’t know if it’s stupid to say this, but although being fully committed to Islam at the moment isn’t something I want to do, but something I would want to explore and one day come to terms with when I’m older.

I want to become a good person, morally, even going vegetarian because I see animals as allah’s beautiful creations who I know are conscious of him.

Feel like I’m rambling but I feel like Islam is quite hard for young generations especially when they’re not living in an Islam/religious household/society. Is this understood by him too?

I struggle with wanting to do things and experiment , but at the same time I’m constantly worried that I won’t ever be forgiven.

Is it selfish of me to want to be a bit free and live life without harem rules ?

I struggle with it a lot. I get really anxious about how my ending outcome will be. I love Islam and think it’s beautiful but like i said I struggle with the strictness of rules.

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