This is not a knock on those who are flourishing in the field of Medicine. Mashallah for what Allah swt has given you. But we are not all made the same, and for various reasons, all coming together in my own life, the field is taking its toll. It’s not the work, or even the hours - which I actually enjoy. It’s the environment, the people and the system which is, to put it mildly, barbaric, arrogant, and ironically lacks humanity. It is not like that all the time, and I appreciate the times when it’s not, but it is just enough to where it has an effect. Unfortunately that mentality trickles down to colleagues, which is okay - to each their own, but it also trickles down to oneself. Some of you may have strong enough imaan to handle that, but I fear that my barrier isn’t as strong and some of the toxicity has leaked in.
I still feel passion in my work, but as I look outside at the beauty of the day, rain or shine, I feel guilty for not being able to appreciate it as I used to. Income is no issue as my family mashallah has means, and I did not pursue this field for the income nor the prestige - but actually to put my life to use in the service of others. But now I feel like the field itself is leading me astray, as I delve deeper into it. I am told I know so much knowledge, but I truly know little about reality other than the superficial. I truly want to learn more of the deen, as now I think I know what the Dunya has to offer at one of its higher positions - and I don’t want it.
I want to be a more grateful person and inshallah pass that down to my children, who will need it even more now than ever due to the changing, worsening environment of this world. I want to essentially manage my home and protect my family from within rather than only being a living bank account and only seeing them for a few hours. Alhamdulilah I’m blessed with a supportive wife as well, who is much stronger than I am and is handling her career well.
But as I take my steps, the Dunya has attached itself to me to the point where I’m afraid of leaving it, even though I do not want it. I have achieved some level of prestige due to my work, but the only ones who enjoy it are others, including my parents and in laws. I don’t want to disappoint them, but at the same time, I don’t think they understand how corrupt the Dunya truly is, nor truly understand how little value worldly prestige is on the day of judgement. So I am at a balancing point right now. I do not mind staying, since my internal “struggle” is absolutely nothing compared to many, if not most, of our brothers and sisters - and a part of me feels ashamed of my “complaining”. And I know that many, even some here, are trying their best to get into the position I am - I am grateful for it and I wish you the best. But as I mentioned earlier, we are not all made the same, and perhaps it takes “seeing the other side” to realize that it isn’t as what you imagined before - I feel like most of the Dunya is designed that way.
Anyways, I was wondering if there were others in the same position. How did it work out? What did you do to start that next chapter? I have no fear of regret since I know that our lives are already planned out, nor is this a way for me to find “happiness” since I believe that goal is a constantly moving one, but I truly want to indulge in the deen and be there for my family, and I don’t think I can do that if I stay in this field.
Jzakallah and Salaam.
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