As-salamu alaykum my brothers and sisters, I want to get some help on how I can get closer to Allah and seek forgiveness. Sorry if it’s really long, if you want to get straight to the point you can skip all the way to the end and only read paragraphs 4, 5, and 6.
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I will start by introducing myself, I am 13 years old (turning 14 this month on the 17th). I am an Egyptian living in Egypt, I also used to live for more than 7 years in the United Arab Emirates (UAE). I was born as a Sunni Muslim (I assume most people here are Sunnis). I have never doubted or questioned Islam, but I wasn’t a good Muslim. I live with my mom and sister, my dad is still living in the UAE and he’s having issues with his visa (he’s a legal resident he just needs to wait until he can cancel it). My father never prays unless on rare occasions, I tried to tell him that it’s important and that he will regret it but he told me he is used to it since he was a kid. My mom on the other side prays everything, and my 10 year old sister does the same too. Except for me, I used to pray, but I started getting lazy especially during quarantine, and I am definitely not proud of that.
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I’ve even spent lots of days just sitting with my phone on my bed, I eat on my bed, just go to the bathroom, then I entertain myself with the phone, then I sleep. I have anxiety and depression, and I am diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, which makes it hard to interact with people and make friends unless if it’s online. I used to be really depressed in 3rd, 4th, and 6th grade.
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Anyways back to the main issue, last November, I was browsing Reddit, and then a post on an Ex-Muslim subreddit was recommended to me. At first I was like: “Why are they hating on Islam? Do they even know what Islam is?”. Then I started looking for more posts on the subreddit, and then I saw them talking about YouTubers that criticize Islam, so I checked them out. This was the biggest mistake in my entire life and I regret it. Every single day I would have to check out a new video or post criticizing Islam.
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This is where I did the 2 major sins (astaghfirullah). The first one was me leaving Islam and becoming an atheist (astaghfirullah). It sounds really stupid to me how I easily fell in the trap. I started joining cult-like servers for Ex-Muslims, and the reason I am saying “cult” is because it’s illegal to say blasphemous phrases or apostate.
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The second one just happened today, and it’s a really bad one. I wanted to join a voice chat with some Ex-Muslims, I entered and muted myself. A few seconds after they noticed me and were worried that I might be a detective or someone from Amn El Dawla (Egyptian version of FBI). So I told them that I was 14 and that I can’t reveal my voice in text chat. They still didn’t believe me though, so I asked them how I can prove it to them. And then they told me to curse god (not Allah SWT, but god) in Arabic. So I thought about it for a few seconds and I was like: “All of us are atheists and they just want to curse a god, it could be Buddha, or a cow, so it doesn’t really matter”. I know this was really stupid of me and I really regret it, but this isn’t even the worst part. They then asked me to say the same curse word to Allah (SWT) and his messenger (PBUH) four times. Astaghfirullah. I thought about it for 30 seconds, and then I hit send and then it really hit me. In my brain I was like “How could you do something like that to Allah SWT and Muhammed PBUH? Shame on you! You deserve to go to hell!”. I don’t know why I would say something like that, I am not trying to justify it, but I just said it so that I won’t get in trouble as being a spy. I really regret it.
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I had a mental breakdown and I felt there was something wrong. I took my Shahada and I announced myself as a revert to Islam. I believe that Allah SWT is god, the one and only god, he doesn’t have a son, nor does he have a father. Muhammed PBUH is the last of all messengers.
Now I need your guys help on how to seek forgiveness from the mighty and forgiving Allah SWT. Is there an extra prayer I could do? Should I say istighfar 1,000 times a day for a month? Your advice would be appreciated. Peace be upon you and thanks for reading.
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