Advice and reality check

Salam all,

I hope you're having a wonderful day and thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I am somewhat confused, regretful and angry all at the same time. If you would grant me some of your time and wisdom/knowledge I would be very grateful.

I am remorseful of my sins that I have in the past (not zina, drugs, drink, no majors). I am in a constant mental battle to stop listening nor entertaining waswas. I have contemplated harming myself and have thought it would be nice not to wake up in the morning. I know it makes me weak in my emaan and am trying my best to increase my salah, dua, adkar and quran but I cant seem to shake this feeling, moreover I am beginning to think this is why Allah has not blessed me with a spouse, enjoyments of dunya. I have always maintained that I would never involve myself in anything haram in order to ensure I am blessed with an incredible human being as my spouse and enjoy time with them. I have researched and learnt everything and anything I can to be the best spouse, learning more about my spouses rights than my own. Yet I am older >35 and not married, I did get close once, it kills me to think about them. I truly loved them and constantly asking Allah to bring them back.

I am starting to think maybe I wont be blessed with an amazing spouse I have tried to work towards maybe because of my own sins or simply because Im not worth the amazing spouse. Nor am I blessed with a career that others gained so easily at younger age.

I dont know where I am going wrong nor do I know what I did so wrong that I am being tested this harshly. I am continuing to do my salah and dua but I don't know what I have missed/overlooked. Its heart-breaking that I know and have seen others who have led truly terrible lives and yet going through life as a breeze without any issues, incredible spouses, lives and times and it saddens me. Am I not allowed to be happy? Am I not to be blessed with any happiness in dunya (haven't travelled, no spouse, don't get to enjoy things in life others do). I guess I am envious of those and think to myself that I should have just enjoyed my life as they did...

I have come across many posts/articles people being disheartened that there are no more good people of opposite gender to marry and are prepared to settled for those who have comitted zina, drink etc. This is hurtful, I dont want to be married to someone who couldnt hold themselves to the same standard that I held myself (divorced persons notwithstanding). I have stayed away from sinful life and am worried that maybe I am one of the last ones, as whenever I have spoken to others regarding this I am told I am a unicorn...didn't work out well for them either (joke).

I guess it gets down to this TL;DR Where am I going wrong? Am I destined to live out my life as a single person? devoid of any enjoyment? No spouse, no enjoyment, no career where am I supposed to go?

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