Salam everyone. I’ve been struggling a lot with Islam ever since coming back a month ago after being a murtad for a year. Only a small part of me is scared that I’ll go back to being a murtad, and while I half-heartedly make dua against that, I think it’s bound to happen. I don’t know if I truly believe or if I just want to believe. I don’t think I can ever really believe, I can only keep convincing myself. Oftentimes it feels like needing to convince myself over and over that I believe in it, and I “renew” my iman every single day, address my (baseless) doubts, and read the Quran. Literally not a day goes by without doing this, but I can’t really believe still. I’m practically obsessed with Islam... even when I’m not supposed to be thinking about Allah/the Quran/the Nabi saws (like in the bathroom), my mind wanders there. The moment I wake up, the moment I eat, drive, sit, walk, whatever, I think about Islam. It’s painful, because I can’t believe.
I am unhappy with Islam because it’s “no fun,” and I feel no connection. Even when I was a murtad I never drank or had sex or any of that, but I did practice another path, and I felt happy but delusional. I felt like I still believed in Allah and the prophethood of the Nabi saws, so I came back. Now that I’m back, I’m once again feeling like I’m delusional and I don’t believe.
The only things to make me believe is to have concrete evidence: see a miracle in the name of Allah who revealed the Quran, to see the persevered body of the Nabi saws, or to travel back in time to every major religious event and witness that it matches with the Quran. I just can’t do it. I won’t pretend ive studied Islam vigorously because I’ve never been in an Islamic school, but I do have an understanding of the basics. Rationally I should accept the sahih ahadith to be authentic, but a part of me says “Bur what if they’re not?” and the like... rinse and repeat every hour of every day.
I’m so sorry this is repetitive and muddled. It’s really hard for me to put it into words. I know you’ll say it’s just waswasa from the shaytan, but I am a shaytan among mankind essentially. I don’t think this is shaytan, but my nafs is inherently corrupted.
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