I would preface this by saying that I have had a somewhat difficult and lonely life. I am in my early 20s and over the last 10 years I have lost some very, very close loved ones. I have gone through periods where I have been very close to Allah Ta’Allah and I have had very strong faith in him, and then there have been periods when my faith has wavered. This is one of the latter periods.
I am a woman and I belong to a country where arranged marriage is the norm and I have always been an obedient child so I wouldn’t go against my parents’ wishes. But I am so scared. I am scared that I will end up with someone not fit for me. I have faith in Allah and marriage has always been something I have left to fate, I believe it is the one thing beyond my control. I like having control. I do very good in school because it is in my control and I therefore feel responsible to do my best. But in this case, I just feel like there is nothing I can do and whenever I try to speak up and remind my parents that I want them to keep me and me alone in mind and not the entire society when choosing someone for me, I feel like my concerns go unheard. I have no ‘demands’ or anything if that sort. I am imperfect in so many ways but the one thing I wish or hope for is to find a partner I can relate to. Who makes my life better and I am make their’s better. I just want this next chapter to be a little better. I want someone who is there for me to do the bare minimum, that is to listen to me and allow me to respect my goals because I have worked so hard for them.
But I have trouble making dua and asking Allah for these things because I feel like I don’t deserve to ask them from him because good men are for good women and good women are for good men. I don’t pray regularly and I habitually sin, a sin that harms me only. I have repented time and again but this time around because I really want this, I feel like wanting to repent is wrong because I am not repenting for Allah but for something I want from Allah. Is it okay to feel this way and repent regardless?
I don’t think I am a bad person. I have never had the intention to harm someone. I am not a great Muslim in practice but I have faith in Allah’s plan because even through these years of difficulty I have found that in the end I always end up in the right place with Allah’s mercy, but that has never stopped me from worrying endlessly and trying my best but this is something I really cannot control even if I try.
I feel stuck and I don’t know what to do with my life and myself.
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