Throwaway for obvious reasons. Some context: male, young adult, looking for job. Long essay below.
I haven’t been having such a great past year. Mostly first world problems. Mentally I have been in the gutter, I have little mental strength or discipline. I feel extremely lonely and isolated despite trying to reach out to others. Whenever I talk with others or an distracted by something my worries go away but when I am alone...it’s an abyss.
Spiritually it’s even worse. Two days ago, I missed every single prayer. I don’t miss prayers on purpose, but I did then. I’ve been missing prayers out of forgetfulness or laziness for the past few months more often as well. I have no relationship with the Qur’an right now. I also haven’t been making duaa much up until a week or two ago when I began doing some basic ones now and then. That’s some good news at least.
Here’s the worst part. I’m planning major sins. I clearly know that this is wrong, but I’m still doing it. I feel little remorse or guilt anymore. I’m planning to commit zina, and not just once, but multiple times over. This is horrible. But I feel an immense need to do it. I’m not doing it because I think it will help with my loneliness or anything else. I know it won’t benefit me, even from a completely secular view, but I still want to do it. It’s a lot worse than I make it sound because I almost did it today. Yesterday I set it up. After doing so, I couldn’t sleep. Not out of guilt...out of expectation. I felt happy I was doing it. This is insane.
I did have an ounce of guilt. I asked Allah to give me an excuse to not go, and He gave me one. I’m still a virgin now, alhmadulillah. But all I did was delay the meeting for another time and like I said earlier am currently arranging for others. I need to stop this now, before I make a mistake and plunge myself into a destructive habit.
I know this will sound funny to some, but I actually think marriage would be a solution to my problem here. I don’t seek to commit zina to violate authority or seek better than what I have. I am doing it to feel a small escape from loneliness. If I had a proper story system I could do better, because I know better. I do this because I want a small out. I don’t have the means for that right now and am I not hopeful for it in the future - I don’t find many of the people in my area suitable in terms of compatibility. I also dread the spouse finding process itself. I find it unbearable.
Busying myself is helpful in distracting me from sinning. That’s where getting a job would also be helpful. But I need to develop the strength to not want to do these things the second I’m not distracted.
Please help me, brothers and sisters. I know what needs to be done, but I don’t have the fortitude for it. Give me advice and make duaa for me. May Allah bless you all.
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