Muslims look down on me because i don't wear a hijab, my own country including my family looks down on me when i would wear one. My husband pressures me into wearing one.
None of these people except for my husband know that i pray my daily prayers as best as i can and do my best to raise my son as a muslim because i simply don't look like a muslim. Despite my own faults i don't want to give up the religion for my son. I feel like i would have accomplished something if the day comes and he would say "mother, it's in your benefit to be covered like a righteous muslim women", that's when i would know that at least, i did something right in the eyes of Allah with my son. I just can't handle the stress right now if i would cover up, i cripple under stress and pressure, meanwhile i feel like living a double life, and it's really hard and starting to take a toll on me. With all the terrorist attacks going on it's become even harder. How do you defend something that comes badly in the news every day? I feel so empty and lost that i started smoking again, again, doing more sins than i should be doing and taking steps back. I feel horrible.
It's just a rant, i don't ask for advice, i just can't express my feelings elsewhere. I wish people wouldn't be so judgmental, both muslims and not muslims.
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