All my life (and I mean it!) I've never been the religious type. I would get so upset when trying to understand Islam and its lifestyle because no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't comprehend it; lol I remember sobbing when I didn't understand the steps to wudu (tbf the book I used was pretty trash for a kid).
The only thing I've ever been concerned about is my relationship with Allah SWT and being a good person. I have thought to myself 'If I have no intention of being a good Muslim why not just give it up whilst retaining my faith in god?' - I tried that for like a week before concluding Islam was too important for me to just throw away. I decided I'd rather be a bad Muslim than not a Muslim at all!
Since then, I've tried to be better and sometimes it worked (particularly in Ramadan!). But nothing ever really stuck. When some of my friends talk about really niche Islam things, I get happy for them but also scared? It's like 'Oh god, another thing to do?'
I guess the rich history of Islam means that there is always something more you can do to be a better Muslim but it all just makes me feel... exhausted.
I don't want to pick and choose but I also don't want to half-heartedly commit. I also don't want give up parts of my character that don't necessarily harmonise with Islam but are still really important to me.
Why do I feel like this?
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