I was born as a Muslim into a Muslim family, but around 17-22 I went through an episode of questioning faith until a point where I left it momentarily. I starting practicing Hinduism as it was the religion of my mothers family with a monotheist take. What’s worse during this period I would commit major sins without realizing the extent of the sin such as believing in fortune tellers online/zodiac signs, and consuming prohibited drinks and foods. I missed Ramadan and when family were fasting I wasn’t participating :(
I feel so deeply genuinely bad, and I struggle with feelings of dispair and guilt because I look back now and I want to hide because I feel like the worst human ever for my prior ignorance, and complacency. Had I known what I know now with my knowledge of Islam I wouldn’t have left as I had always believed in one god and the day of resurrection. But I didn’t know anything besides reciting surahs in Arabic taught in Madrasah but not knowing their meaning in English, and I had been surrounded by negative perceptions of Islam where my parents were controlling and abusive to one other and that’s the major reason I pulled out of Islam initially as I had lost hope at the time that God wasn’t listening to my duas to help them and help us through the trauma. And I had family members who indulged in black magic. At the time I was so overwhelmed by everyone around me coupled with barely any knowledge of Islam growing up, and mentally suffering from psychological depression led me to leaving. I still believed in one God this belief never wavered.
Alhamdullilah, now at 24 I have come back to Islam a few years later with a strong fighting desire to recite the Quran in English, and have acquired a lot of knowledge that was missed out from my childhood and really repent these major sins. I really do love Islam and I can’t believe I missed out on so many ramadhans and I didn’t know what I now know of this beautiful religion subhanallah.
But I sometimes get so overwhelmed wondering will God still send me to hell? As one verse would say that God doesn’t forgive those who associated anything with him or were following pagan religions. I’m consumed with anxiety of being sent to Hellfire for former sins that feel so grave according to the major sins of Islam. I can’t get past the anxiety despite repenting and changing and wanting to keep striving to be a better muslimah.
Does anyone else have this anxiety? Are there any duas or guidance one can offer to help so people in my predicament can really strive to avoid Hellfire and inshaa Allah enter Jannah?
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