I would never say this out loud or to anyone but I am fearing of what could possibly happen. Please don't judge me, I know I am not perfect and I am truly just trying to find the right path again and regain my faith. I was raised in an Arabic Muslim household. Family was very religious and I went to Quran school and I am very familiar with Islam and everything about it. I had memorized almost half of the Quran when I was younger 12 or 13 years old. I had always had doubts and questions but never really said them to anyone because I did not want to sound like a non believer in any way. I was in a Muslim community and went to a public high school that had many many muslims. I did start playing a competitive sport and interacting more with non muslims. They became my best friends and they just seemed better people then those "muslim" people I grew up with and was around. I mean my American/ non muslim friends did drink and do other stuff that is considered haram but overall they were just better people. Anyways fast forward to college I went to an elite University and left my family. After being there for a bit I am now praying way less frequently, I try sometimes to get back on track and say no more missed prayers but I seem to always fall back into not praying and it goes weeks then I try to start praying again and so on. First I never listened to music and my family didn't either then I started listening and was like it's "makrooh" not "haram". My parents never knew but my siblings did, they never listened to it but didn't really make a big deal out of it. I was also seeing my friends get with girls and I was tempted to do the same but I couldn't because everyone would know and it would look really bad. But now I am in college and I can get away with anything and I am fighting the temptations so much and I feel like sooner or later I will commit a major sin. I don't think I would drink but I feel like I will commit zina. I have had the chances and so far I haven't but I fear I will soon. The things I questioned about Islam were the existence of the after life. I could never really believe if the after life truly did exist. I know they say someone had to create the universe and the living organisms and all that. I hate that I feel this way but I really do and I seem to understand and believe in the science part more. I really don't want to become a non believer I truly want to remain muslim and I am scared if I keep going down this path and questioning islam internally and not asking for help that one day I may leave Islam or become a non believer. Some of the bad things I do is miss prayer, I don't read Quran like I used to, it has honestly been a year since I took the time to read but I do listen to it once a month or so. I do talk to girls but I have never acted on it or did anything haram other than conversation and some flirtation. I have never drank or did anything major yet besides missing my prayers. I know people say the dunya is just a test but my questioning of the afterlife and some other things in Islam makes me not "care" in a way. I used to think zina is a huge sin and now I think it's not as bad as some other stuff and honestly if Covid-19 didn't happen I probably would have committed it by now. I'm trying to reflect and grow and learn but I really am having problems remaining faithful and following Islam in the way I should be.
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