Salamwaleykoum everyone! (I don't know if this is the right place to post this...).
First I will give you a little bit (a lot actually sorry for that) of context... I am a revert girl of 19 years old. I am french and my entire family is atheist. My parents are divorced since 10 years. My journey to Islam was very very long in the time (is this correct english? Probably not...) and started when I went to live with my dad (without my 3 brothers and sister) because of my bad relationship with my mom.
So, a little bit more than a year after starting to live with my dad, I started to get interested in Islam, as I worked with only muslims in a halal restaurant (they thaught me a lot of basis things about Islam) and at the same time, I met a pakistanis boy on the internet (first it was for fun, we didn't speak the same language at all (I didn't speak any english and he taught me all). This pakistani boy was very cute and kind and we started to be in a relationship with him. He is a muslim but was living in Danemark and I was living in France. So for 8 month, our relationship was almost not about Islam at all... I only saw him praying sometimes and he was very shy because my reaction was just like "waaaaaaaaaw" and just like O.o because for me religion and most of all Islam was kind of a forbidden topic at home (my mom being vey racist). So I learned about Islam veeeeeery slowly by reading and chatting with muslims and reading the quran (special mention to Fatih Seferagic the first man I listened reciting the holy Quran). And I also started to meet more and more muslims as I started to talk with this pakistani boy's family (this boy's name is Amir let's make it simple).... I started to start learning their language that is Pashto and also many arabic words related to religion that they use all the time. So those people live in Pakistan and are INCREDIBLY LOVELY!!!! They are so cute together and nice and they look just so happy even though they live in a very different house and situation than french people... And I just love them so much that I think I love them equally to my parents (probably even more to be totally honest)... That's how much I love them. So their lives and characters for me were my first reference of "muslims lives" and that's the way I started to love Islam : With people! (What is funny enough because I read so many things about what other revert wrote on the internet and a lot of them say that they are happy that they didn't learn about Islam from muslims's behaviour and I can understand that because in France the media show a very bad image of muslims so it is not their fault)...
Then I came back to live with my mom because my dad's wife and her daugther made my life so hard and my relationship with my dad very complicated...
Then a few month later, Amir came to live in France (I was 17 and he was 15). We met each other for the first time in real life after 8 month of distance relationship, and on the same day started to live together in my mom place as she saw him on camera. (He is really really cute so no one could resist to his cute and handsome face and personality)
I am realizing that I am going totally too far from the subject of this post and that is getting very long but let's continue... Who is going to read this anyway... :')
Ok, so during one month living together, he didn't pratice his religion at all... No praying, no halal food, and a relationship with me without a religious alliance. Anyway, just to say that I didn't learn anything about religion during this month (I honestly don't know why he was not praying in my house or not even showing that he is a muslim at all with me, but no judgement I am just supposing that he was maybe not feeling well in this house or maybe that my mom made him shy or...I dunno)
He then went to live alone with the government help and everything for young refugies. We was not living far from eachother and it was really not far from my school so I was going to see him almost everyday.
A year and 2 month later, on December 20th, I was getting 18. So this is a long story so I won't come into too much details but my mom and dad first both agreed on letting me go alone to Pakistan to meet my "in-laws" (they sent me money for the ticket, visa and everything), but then, my mom chose to stop me and block me for every single step I took (for no reason(she said that she will agree if my dad agrees but she thought he wouldn't but he did so she kind of trapped herself)), such as making a passport. I first wanted to go in October but since she didn't want to let me go I went in Pakistan by myself, when I was 18 and 1 day old, in December. Withouht my mom agrrement, and my school notified the cops that I was listening to the quran and everything and that I wanted to go to Pakistan alone. (I was very open minded so I talked about my interest to literally everyone... Yes I was so I naive).... I have got many problems about it with the cops even until today so yeah... (Ask me in the comment if you are interested)...
I stayed for 3 weeks there and it was an incredible journey... I learned so so many things there (it was in Peshawar) I saw many women wearing burka, and I then saw them without it at home, so it was less scary to me and I was abble to ask some questions about it (for me it was kind of scary because this is not allowed in France since I was a child). I started to understand more and more things about Islam (and their culture) and even though I didn't know a lot of things (I almost didn't know nothing, not even how to say the chahada correctly), I was completly convinced that Islam was the path that I should to chose for my life. So I took time to think about converting and stuff without saying to anyone (not even Amir) and one day, I said to my in-laws that I was ready... The next day, on january 1st 2019, I converted to Islam al HamdouliLlah. In the same day, I asked to Amir if he wanted to be married to me because I loved him and I didn't want to start this "new life" in a haram relationship.. So he accepted and we had our "Nikkha" in video call, and the deal was that if I become a muslim and we choose to marry each other we should both pray and respect Islam and its rules... He accepted and started praying and being more and more into religion after that Mash'Allah.
Since then, al HamdouliLlah I am a muslim. I don't regret a single moment that I became a muslim that day. And I am still learning very slowly but I am so Happy!
So the real story starts here!
My mom was very angry at me for converting to Islam, and she was making my life like a hell. She started to mix the vegetable and meat (she started to make even more pork almost everyday) and it was forcing me to make food on my own. I explained how difficult it was to a woman (social assistant) at my school, and she choose to make the school pay for me to stay the whole week in boarding school (except the week end). So my mom didn't pay anything for me in 2 years, no clothes, no food, nothing.
In September 2019 (I was 18), she decided to kick me out of the house while we were making food. (she made food before me, I asked her to please let the oven on so it is still hot and I can eat with them in the same time, she didn't, I asked her why she off it when she agreed on letting it for me and I on it again, she off it again and I asked her what's wrong and a big fight started and she told me how much she is tired of me, my religion and blablabla). To be honest, I always reconsider myself and my behaviour, I thought that I was a little bit too harsh on her with religion and everything... But even after thinking a lot about it, I was not! I am not wearing a hijab yet (but insh'Allah soon!), so I am wearing my normal clothes everyday (I just wear a long jacket to hide my body a bit), I wear jeans and european clothes. I didn't have any money and she didn't buy anything for me so that's the same clothes that I wore since many years. So I was praying in my room, and trying to eat halal (I was eating rice, pasta, rice, pasta) and reading in my room with my door closed and by whispering. I am a blond with blue eyes so no one can understand that I am muslim until I tell them "salamwaleykoum" or something and they look very confused but yeah ok.... So the way I was practicing religion was not supposed to be a problem for her because it was in a very reserved way.
So she kicked me out (she beat me and more...). I went to the cops because that's what my father and the police officer told me to do on the phone (many things happened but I don't want to come to the details because it is so long but if you are interested ask me in the comments). Then someone found for me a place to live. It is a camp for homeless women (over 18). That's a place with many different people but most of them are addicted to drugs, some of them went to jail, and more and more.
During Ramadhan, after reading a verse in the holy quran about something about the fact that we should keep our family "links" (something like this, I am sorry if I say it wrong, I can't find this verse...) I dreamt about my mom a lot. I was dreaming about her with my dad, and other situations. And sometimes when I was waking up, it was extremelly difficult to understand where I was and that my dream was an actual dream... So I started to think that I should probably call her and try to apologize (even though I did nothing wrong to her) just to make sure that we are not cutting the parental "link".
The last day of Ramadhan, I decided to call her with the idea in mind that she will probably reject me so I won't feel bad if it happens. (She didn't call me, or texted or anything to know about me since she kicked me out). But finally she was happy that I called her and I proposed that we see each other for an afternoon, she chose that it will be at her place. We almost didn't talk to each other because she had invited her one friend and I was talking to my brother most of the time but at least we are not in a bad relationship. (This was I think almost 3 weeks ago)
Last Friday, she called me and seemed very happy and she told me that I could come with Amir to her house but I actually don't have a choice and that is a surprise. This surprise was that her sister, my aunty that I didn't see for 5 years came to the south of France to see us. It was great but she didn't stay for a long time, so the evening we just chilled with my brother, my sister, my mother, Amir on the sofa watching stuff.
Before to go, she gave me 60€... I tried to reject it many times very seriously for many reasons... My mom is a prostitute as a second job (this is very serious, I am not insulting her or anything). Another reason is that, when she kicked me out, I didn't have any money (not even my study grant that I started to get just a few month later), I didn't have any pocket money either.
So my final question is... Should I fully accept this money, if it comes from something that is haram (as prostitution), and even if I am not sure of it (but 99% because she never have money in her hand it is always in her bank account and if it is in her wallet it is money from prostitution)...? What should I do ?
Sorry for the long story for a so simple question... Maybe that I needed to talk about it... I don't know... I am sorry for the many mistakes that I have made in this post. I am French, I think it says it all... If you have any comments or questions about anything just write a comments, I will appreciate to answer to them...
Salamwleykoum, take care of yourself!
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