Im now at a terrible place. My spirit feels dead. My vibrations feel low. Its like im losing my self. I regret my decision completely. I lost the dunya. So i dont wanna lose the akhira. I realized I've been manipulated by the devil for a long time. I was dealing with a repressed shadow. Its scary. I feel so messed up and crazy. Complete darkness. Like im losing my light. And sucking people off theirs. Its very haram. I know. And this depression/soulless feeling is probably my punishment. I never want to get into the occult again. Its like I turned completely evil and only see the evil in this world. My mind is twisted and dark. Im 19 now and have been studying since I turned 18 and my shadow grown so big.
Its scary. What I've become. From the innocent kid. To this person. It's also probably the evil eye. Or just the awakening of the shadow and integrating it into my personality. I feel like I'm actually dying slowly. Demons all on me. I've been drawn to the occult and mysticism. Its messed up. I shouldn't have. But curiousity got the best of me.
To be clear. I didn't wish evil on anyone. Nor do i plan to do. Its just something i did out of curiosity. But slowly I did become colder with my words and actions and everything and almost robotic. I also have some manipulative tendencies.
I can get over this feeling by taking a shower or like doing some healthy coping mechanisms. Like taking care of myself. Because quarantine got us all drained. So ill get my energy back soon inshallah.
But i dont just want my energy. I want my soul and spirit and love for the deen back. Because as long as my heart isn't in the right place. And my deen isn't proper. Im gonna continue the cycle of evil and toxicity and poison. Either consciously or subconsciously. Till it leads to my death.
Its scary what I turned into. Makes me sick to the stomach. Should I go to therapy? Will maintaining a good relationship with God help me. Because the thing is. Once you see past the veil. Its hard to come back to how it was before. You DEFINITELY dont wanna do that. The word God doesn't even hold meaning for me anymore. Its very VERY scary.
Astaghfirullah man. Im so scared. I dont know who I am anymore.
The devil is a liar. But i believed him. And now i shall face the consequences of my actions.
I was very pure and innocent. Or was that just a guise?
Till I got exposed to the world.
I do admit i did live a sheltered life for a really long time.
And now my shadow grown so big.
And I warped into it.
Influences all around me assisted in this transformation.
For the WORSE.
My heart is black. And scary. All my sins though. Were always affecting me.
It was usually curiosity. Like the occult in the internet. Or like pornography.
But now its like Im frozen. Its like Im completely cold and desensitized. Nothing moves me anymore. Not love. Not hate. Just plain robotic apathy. To survive till my death.
This quarantine didn't help either. Actually it did. Because before it I was unaware. Now I am. Dealing with my shadow. And trying to be a good person.
WILL I BE FORGIVEN?
[link] [comments]
from Islam https://ift.tt/2YHFnwW
Post A Comment:
0 comments so far,add yours